Going home

Well, I meant to post more yesterday, but everything changed and it was a bit of a roller coaster. No tears yet. But I'm going home instead of to NYC, and it will be nice to see the family. Sam and Paul are both flying in, so it will be good to see them again. And my mother will have all of her children in once place since the wedding back in May. Hopefully she will refrain from family photo opportunities.

So now I am struggling to pack. I feel like I'm a point person in all of this, which is weird, and will be weirder when I'm home. I have a feeling I won't want to come back. We'll see. We'll see. I've already paid for this semester, so I guess I'm locked in. Sadly, (lack of) money is one of the things that keeps me in line-- e.g. can't afford a speeding ticket, can't afford not to go back to school, etc.

But the inauguration was great. You can see a bit more of my feelings at replyforall's blog site. If there's one thing I haven't had time to think about lately, it's how I feel about things. But surely, it was a great experience. I'm looking forward to the Power Shift conference at the end of February.

Also, I was looking at Teach for America stuff... and thinking, yeah, maybe if I can agree to a two-year commitment (have I EVER done that?). Then I was thinking, if it's a two-year commitment, shouldn't I do something else I've been craving? Like, the Peace Corps? But then, am I just doing it to run away again? Hrm. I'm definitely good at running away from things that scare me. And "real" life is one of them. You wouldn't think I'd have such a huge problem entering the workforce since I've been working since I was 15 (younger, if you include babysitting), and most of the time held more than one job at a time. I get the whole working until you can't remember when you slept last, being called into work at ungodly hours, giving up fun things because I know I need the money, and trying to balance personal relationships and things that are important to me with my work. But damn. I think that by entering the "real world" I will no longer feel like I'm working towards anything. At least at Wellesley (I can't even say I made a commitment to them, I planned on transferring sophomore year and then left for a year after that) I am working towards my degree, as crappy a degree as it is.

I feel completely unprepared. With what skills will I leave Wellesley? Uh, yeah. I can read. And write you a paper about it. Cool. And I'm in the hole upwards of $60,000 so I can say that? Crap. Totally unprepared.

And totally unprepared for going home this weekend. I can't even pack. It's scary. I don't want to have to deal with it. Any of it. But I guess I'm forced to do this, and I need to be forced. Something I can't run away from, as much as I'd like to be in denial (and still am for the time being).

Also, the family I work for is totally awesome. So understanding and sweet. Seriously, I lucked out with this one. The youngest made me a card today after school.