Who is this person?!?

I don't really have a lot of updates. Except that I've been going out entirely too much and haven't really been getting work done. Could be because of Boy, but I really can't blame him all that much since I was queen of procrastination before he arrived on the crime scene that is my life.

So I don't really know what to say. I don't know if I'm graduating until 3 days before commencement. That sucks, but at least they're reopening my case. I am writing a paper about the Zapatistas and land reform in Mexico. I have to write a paper for Gender Studies. And I have some (paid) blogging to do for replyforall. All in one day? Unlikely. But I'll try.

As for Boy, don't ask a lot of questions. It's short term, and it's great. I like that I can be myself and open up completely and its not weird or scary or anything. I find myself acting like a person who hasn't been treated like shit in past relationships. I mean, really, where are my issues? My defense mechanisms? My undeniable need to run far, far away? To hide my feelings, even from myself? It's strange. It's not going to last or anything, but at least I know the kind of guy I'm looking for, right?

As for everything else, life is pretty crappy (with this whole graduation thing and all), but I'm taking it in stride. What else can you do, right?

I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm supposed to be doing in life, and after talking to Adam a couple of weekends ago, I'm thinking of taking a sharp turn down a different life path... not really sure if it's worth all of the trouble, or worth writing about yet.

AND, do not get your palm read if you are an overanalyzer like me. So, for my quiz, what's my element? It came up on my palm apparently (yes, Tao Te Ching), but take a guess!

Sorry, I'm stressed for time and my post sucks. Better luck next time. Maybe when finals end.

"People are autonomous agents, damn them."

I swear, my research methods professor is hilarious. This won out over my other favorite comment from class today: "We like pot, we like dogs." The two do seem to go hand in hand, don't they? That comment was in reference to two MA ballot initiatives, one being to decriminalize marijuana, the other to make greyhound racing illegal. They both passed, hence the comment. (I know too many people who are probably going to move to MA now, and it won't be for the dog-friendly atmosphere.)

The other comment made it to the subject line because it was in discussion of how you can never have a regression coefficient of 1, because the world is not perfect. And it seemed more fitting to my life, since I'm growing more comfortable with the fact that I can't control people, or change them, or make them want to change. Which has been a problem in my life, since I get into sucky situations hoping that one of the above will occur. After which I end up getting hurt because none of them do. And some people can be a little too selfish and careless. I mean, sure, everyone needs to be selfish sometimes, but really, people. Consider what you're being selfish about and whether or not being so hurts people in the process. Because that's just not okay. And I'm guilty of this, too. So call me out on it if you see it happening at all, to anyone. Because that's just not okay.

Oh man, something else I've realized. That time in a relationship doesn't mean ANYTHING as far as its effect on your life. For instance, relationship for almost 4 abusive years v. a period of about 4-5 months. Guess which one I still can't talk about.

I have an interview in two days! Eep! I hate interviews! I get all flustered and excited and come off sounding like an idiot. But I don't want this job that badly. Well, depending on the position they offer, anyway. Two days, I find out about whether or not I got another interview. Crossing my fingers for that one.

Alright, I've got to pass out soon or I will go crazy. Powershift this weekend, Charlotte/Asheville/Raleigh/Chapel Hill/who knowwwws in one month! YES!

Going home

Well, I meant to post more yesterday, but everything changed and it was a bit of a roller coaster. No tears yet. But I'm going home instead of to NYC, and it will be nice to see the family. Sam and Paul are both flying in, so it will be good to see them again. And my mother will have all of her children in once place since the wedding back in May. Hopefully she will refrain from family photo opportunities.

So now I am struggling to pack. I feel like I'm a point person in all of this, which is weird, and will be weirder when I'm home. I have a feeling I won't want to come back. We'll see. We'll see. I've already paid for this semester, so I guess I'm locked in. Sadly, (lack of) money is one of the things that keeps me in line-- e.g. can't afford a speeding ticket, can't afford not to go back to school, etc.

But the inauguration was great. You can see a bit more of my feelings at replyforall's blog site. If there's one thing I haven't had time to think about lately, it's how I feel about things. But surely, it was a great experience. I'm looking forward to the Power Shift conference at the end of February.

Also, I was looking at Teach for America stuff... and thinking, yeah, maybe if I can agree to a two-year commitment (have I EVER done that?). Then I was thinking, if it's a two-year commitment, shouldn't I do something else I've been craving? Like, the Peace Corps? But then, am I just doing it to run away again? Hrm. I'm definitely good at running away from things that scare me. And "real" life is one of them. You wouldn't think I'd have such a huge problem entering the workforce since I've been working since I was 15 (younger, if you include babysitting), and most of the time held more than one job at a time. I get the whole working until you can't remember when you slept last, being called into work at ungodly hours, giving up fun things because I know I need the money, and trying to balance personal relationships and things that are important to me with my work. But damn. I think that by entering the "real world" I will no longer feel like I'm working towards anything. At least at Wellesley (I can't even say I made a commitment to them, I planned on transferring sophomore year and then left for a year after that) I am working towards my degree, as crappy a degree as it is.

I feel completely unprepared. With what skills will I leave Wellesley? Uh, yeah. I can read. And write you a paper about it. Cool. And I'm in the hole upwards of $60,000 so I can say that? Crap. Totally unprepared.

And totally unprepared for going home this weekend. I can't even pack. It's scary. I don't want to have to deal with it. Any of it. But I guess I'm forced to do this, and I need to be forced. Something I can't run away from, as much as I'd like to be in denial (and still am for the time being).

Also, the family I work for is totally awesome. So understanding and sweet. Seriously, I lucked out with this one. The youngest made me a card today after school.