Ugh.

I remember how much happier I am without certain people in my life when the prospect for me to see them or even hear about them arises. It makes me extremely angry. I'm not sure if it's because other people don't understand how much of selfish assholes they are, or because I did know and I still allowed myself to get tangled up in their bullshit and lies and narcissism, and to be made to feel like shit 85% of the time. I put way too much time, money, and emotional energy into certain people to never get the same in return, and to even be made to feel like I didn't deserve the same.

So, obviously I'm resentful over these situations. But am I more mad at these certain people, or at myself? And why is it that I reflect so much on these circumstances, when I'm completely aware that had these other people done the same, I would probably not be in this position. In fact, then I get more mad because I know that these people never really/still don't care, and blame me, etc. etc. and why am I hoping they someday understand themselves and their mistakes, to move on to become better people? They don't deserve my thoughts, not even my angry ones. Especially not my nice ones. So why do I bother?

Maybe I'm just hoping someday I'll get an apology. And that maybe as I begin to collect those apologies, I will start to trust people again.