New post... of an old post.

So after having a very interesting weekend (with a good end, I love sitting in the grass and taking walks), I felt that I needed to find an old post I wrote last year, because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

Am I angry? I mean, I guess. I'm hurt and not happy about it, but anger isn't even the right word. I've grown to expect this person to ignore my feelings or even think about them in general, especially when it means this person getting to be the center of attention. Did I hope that this person would have a bit of respect to maybe NOT violate my privacy, or think about the fact that maybe I didn't say anything because I understood that it was not just my business and that, by doing so, it wouldn't affect just me? And that perhaps I would hope for that decency and respect because I'm a human being goddamnit and I deserve at least that? But, based on previous actions and behaviors and words, it really wasn't that surprising. Like, that's just the kind of person you are. And I don't respect that or the way in which it affected me, so I'm not going to let you be a part of my life anymore.

So anyway, I'm just at that point where it's like: Okay, you're selfish. You never understood or tried to get to know me, and you cared about yourself more than you care about anyone else, and acted accordingly. Whatever, there's nothing I can do to change that. And I don't have to, because you can't make me feel like shit anymore. So I don't care. I don't care about what you do, because if that was your last way to hurt me, fine. Good. Because that's the last. You've got nothing on me anymore, no ways to piss me off or hurt me, and that just makes me even happier. If it was possible to care less about you, I can. You've hammered that last nail in the coffin. You weren't worth all of it, and you never change, and I'm happier. So thank you.

(Side note: If it seems like I don't care about what happened, I do. Especially since, granted, there's a little bit of selfishness in not telling people as well. I mean, it was embarrassing. And more embarrassing when this person whom you're way too good for is hurting you and you're letting them continue doing it. Clearly I've not come as far from that horribly abusive high school relationship as I would like to believe. Because I seek out people who are condescending and make me feel like shit, people who need to make other people feel like shit to make themselves feel better, etc. And then I let them make me question my own self-worth. Like, wait, maybe you're just an asshole. And I'm awesome. Yep, my bad, now get the fuck out of my life.)

I'm not going to go over how I feel about another aspect of this situation, we'll get to that later, and I think I've learned my lesson on venting about something I'm angry about on a blog before I'm ready to talk to the person, because inevitably people will pass it along to that person and say, "oh, look, she's talking shit" and gossip and cause drama when really I just need to get out my emotions so that I can communicate out of a thought-out, logical place. I'm just trying to have effective communication.

Except with the person mentioned above. Ha. Communicate with that person, ever? I'm happy in the fact that I will never have to look upon this person or come in contact with them ever again. Go make someone else feel like shit so you can feel better about yourself. (Well, rather, maybe if you are doing that, the ideal situation is that you realize there is something wrong with you, and not the other person, and deal with that instead. But, something tells me this person is incapable.)

Next post will be my calmer, reflective state, which is the same from a completely different situation almost two years ago (a year and a half?) but it still applies. So yeah.