There just becomes a point...

when you get tired of being angry. And tired of being stressed.

There just becomes a point when you realize that you are small, that you no longer have control of the past (because it has passed), that you must move on.

There just becomes a point when all you can do is your best, for yourself and for those around you. When you look at the facts, and realize that you can't change them, when you can't muscle them to be convenient, when you are left with nothing but accepting it and working from that point on.

Some people will never apologize for their mistakes. Some people will never realize they made mistakes. (But that doesn't make it any less real for the people affected by them.)

And when that is the case, there just becomes a point when you will take them in, whether they are your mistakes or someone else's, and you must change. You must become the verb. You must be the action, rather than the consequence. You must no longer worry of being the victim or the victor, but just live. And live well, starting from your heart (where it has been, all along). You must listen, because you have no choice but to listen, to the silent, still voice inside of your very being. You may call it what you want, but listen. Let it direct you.

Because there just becomes a point to it all.

New post... of an old post.

So after having a very interesting weekend (with a good end, I love sitting in the grass and taking walks), I felt that I needed to find an old post I wrote last year, because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

Am I angry? I mean, I guess. I'm hurt and not happy about it, but anger isn't even the right word. I've grown to expect this person to ignore my feelings or even think about them in general, especially when it means this person getting to be the center of attention. Did I hope that this person would have a bit of respect to maybe NOT violate my privacy, or think about the fact that maybe I didn't say anything because I understood that it was not just my business and that, by doing so, it wouldn't affect just me? And that perhaps I would hope for that decency and respect because I'm a human being goddamnit and I deserve at least that? But, based on previous actions and behaviors and words, it really wasn't that surprising. Like, that's just the kind of person you are. And I don't respect that or the way in which it affected me, so I'm not going to let you be a part of my life anymore.

So anyway, I'm just at that point where it's like: Okay, you're selfish. You never understood or tried to get to know me, and you cared about yourself more than you care about anyone else, and acted accordingly. Whatever, there's nothing I can do to change that. And I don't have to, because you can't make me feel like shit anymore. So I don't care. I don't care about what you do, because if that was your last way to hurt me, fine. Good. Because that's the last. You've got nothing on me anymore, no ways to piss me off or hurt me, and that just makes me even happier. If it was possible to care less about you, I can. You've hammered that last nail in the coffin. You weren't worth all of it, and you never change, and I'm happier. So thank you.

(Side note: If it seems like I don't care about what happened, I do. Especially since, granted, there's a little bit of selfishness in not telling people as well. I mean, it was embarrassing. And more embarrassing when this person whom you're way too good for is hurting you and you're letting them continue doing it. Clearly I've not come as far from that horribly abusive high school relationship as I would like to believe. Because I seek out people who are condescending and make me feel like shit, people who need to make other people feel like shit to make themselves feel better, etc. And then I let them make me question my own self-worth. Like, wait, maybe you're just an asshole. And I'm awesome. Yep, my bad, now get the fuck out of my life.)

I'm not going to go over how I feel about another aspect of this situation, we'll get to that later, and I think I've learned my lesson on venting about something I'm angry about on a blog before I'm ready to talk to the person, because inevitably people will pass it along to that person and say, "oh, look, she's talking shit" and gossip and cause drama when really I just need to get out my emotions so that I can communicate out of a thought-out, logical place. I'm just trying to have effective communication.

Except with the person mentioned above. Ha. Communicate with that person, ever? I'm happy in the fact that I will never have to look upon this person or come in contact with them ever again. Go make someone else feel like shit so you can feel better about yourself. (Well, rather, maybe if you are doing that, the ideal situation is that you realize there is something wrong with you, and not the other person, and deal with that instead. But, something tells me this person is incapable.)

Next post will be my calmer, reflective state, which is the same from a completely different situation almost two years ago (a year and a half?) but it still applies. So yeah.

Ugh.

I remember how much happier I am without certain people in my life when the prospect for me to see them or even hear about them arises. It makes me extremely angry. I'm not sure if it's because other people don't understand how much of selfish assholes they are, or because I did know and I still allowed myself to get tangled up in their bullshit and lies and narcissism, and to be made to feel like shit 85% of the time. I put way too much time, money, and emotional energy into certain people to never get the same in return, and to even be made to feel like I didn't deserve the same.

So, obviously I'm resentful over these situations. But am I more mad at these certain people, or at myself? And why is it that I reflect so much on these circumstances, when I'm completely aware that had these other people done the same, I would probably not be in this position. In fact, then I get more mad because I know that these people never really/still don't care, and blame me, etc. etc. and why am I hoping they someday understand themselves and their mistakes, to move on to become better people? They don't deserve my thoughts, not even my angry ones. Especially not my nice ones. So why do I bother?

Maybe I'm just hoping someday I'll get an apology. And that maybe as I begin to collect those apologies, I will start to trust people again.

It's been a while...

Well hellooooo again. It's been a while.

First of all, I would like to point out that my sister is being a "that girl" because she is not only answering all of the questions (correctly), but also adding in more information than was asked. I never asked for ages, sis!

Anyway, what has been going on in my life? I went to Power Shift, which was awesome. Not the conference, but the people. :) Ummm I had a phone interview, which I don't think went so hot. I have a lot of work due in the next two weeks. I have a second interview on Friday, for which I have to do homework (I'm getting to that, over a week late. How like me). Habitat build yesterday, which was great (pictures on facebook).

Oh, and speaking of facebook, ya know how they take information from your profile and try to place ads specifically for you? Check this one out:

Kind of hilarious.

Wow, it has been a long time, but I don't really feel like I have all that much to say. I'm happy. That's good, right? Oh, and my body works! Yay! Even though it's currently in pain.

So here are the quiz questions:

1) When was homosexuality taken out of the APA's diagnostic manual of mental disorders?

2) What's my vegan cheat, tried and true? (**Clarification: there's plenty of non-vegan things I've eaten since becoming vegan--I wouldn't survive at my grandmother's without them-- but there is one thing that I can't say no to. I.e. I've had pizza since becoming vegan, but I don't have it whenever it's around. This is something I will not turn down when offered.**)