Okay, I have really been slacking on the updates. But really I am so happily confused with life right now that I don't feel like processing anything by writing about it.

To compromise, I'm posting a letter/rant I wrote to a friend a month or so ago (before I went to CA). I just thought about some of the things again recently, so I'm just going to plagiarize myself from July. I'm too lazy to correct the grammatical errors, by the way, so get over it. And it's long. But, you don't have to read it. No one's making you. :) Here goes:

"Well hello!!!

Remember that email I was supposed to finish and send a long time ago? Yeah, it's a little irrelevant now. But I just watched Schindler's List for the first time, and it reminded me of that movie you were telling us about in DC, something about pajamas and WWII?

Anyway, I was really taken aback by Schindler's List and I thought I would write a few words here. Because I feel like you'd understand. So first of all, who the HELL out there could possibly believe that the holocaust was a hoax?!? SERIOUSLY. And quite frankly, holocaust really doesn't do those actions justice, so I'm just going to call it genocide/massacre/murder from here on out. When I was watching a movie about the massacres during WWII, I started thinking about two things. The first being when they sing during the Sabbath. I started thinking about books I have read ("Night," for one) when they discuss how many Jews lost faith during the genocide. Not that I blame them. How could a God let something like that happen? Continuously, for such minute reasons? I'm not a religious person or anything, but I respect people skeptically have faith. And while I understand that life experiences affect whether or not someone believes in God (the kind of house they were raised in, religious people they came in contact with, etc.), I do believe that in the end, a person's relationship with God is between God and that person. So if God does exist-- and if s/he/they exist, what kind are they,really?-- it makes me really sad that human actions have turned the most faithful to the most resentful. It's not even that some don't believe in God, just that some refuse to pray to Him because they hate Him for what happened then. I find it completely understandable, don't get me wrong, but it makes me sad to think that the case. The human species sucks. Period. We can fuck anything up.

The second thing I was thinking revolves around the end of the movie. I started crying when (I'm assuming you've seen this movie?) Schindler cries at the end, saying he could have done more, he could have saved one more. One, it's sad that during the horrific depictions of treatment of the Jews, that I didn't cry, yet I did when Schindler did. I like to think that it's because I respond to emotions and not violence, but maybe part of it is that violence has become so "Hollywood" that emotions are the only thing I can connect to at this point. Shoot a man-- who cares? Cry about it-- okay, there's a chance-- but they'd better be a good actor. That is SAD. Anyway. When Schindler starts crying at the end, I have to wonder about how things haunt people. Particularly the feeling that we could have done more. Can we be doing more? Just because I'm not witnessing the atrocities firsthand, I KNOW they exist. What am I doing? Will this haunt me when I finally understand how MY inaction led to the demise of others? Or worse, will it never haunt me, when it should?

On a lighter (not really) but current note, I have to vent quickly about something I woke up to on the radio today. My parents are very conservative, and they blast conservative radio shows all over the house through our intercom (and oh yes, my mom LOVES the O'Reilly Factor). So. I woke up to some guy talking about slavery, saying "it's slavery" over and over. So I wondered to myself, "what is? Am I missing some knowledge of world events?" And do you know what he was talking about? The frickin' HEALTH CARE BILL that's in Congress right now. The healthcare bill that will add around a 1% tax to those making over $350,000. That's how they're going to pay for everyone to get healthcare. And this guy was calling it slavery, because that means that people are working for other people without receiving the money for it. "That's slavery, it's slavery," he said. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Are you seriously comparing a ONE PERCENT TAX INCREASE ON RICH PEOPLE to SLAVERY?!? He even said something about "that's what they did in the 18th century-- they brought them over on boats and made them work for someone else." THAT'S SLAVERY? Right, right. I am also a slave because I volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Right? I mean, if that's ALL that slavery is (or, the most IMPORTANT part of slavery), I'm working for someone else and not getting paid. That makes me a slave. Wow. I had no idea my life was so hard. Or rather, what were those crazy slaves complainging about? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? It has nothing to do with suppression of rights, freedom, happiness, identity, respect. Nah, it's all about the MONEY. If we had paid them but still treated them like second-class citizens they wouldn't be slaves, and there would be no problem. Right? Because who cares about anything but money? UGH.

Okay. I think I'm done for now. I just thought of you, and decided I would subject you to my 3am ramblings. I hope you are doing well. Where are you? What are you up to? And what bothers you about the world/hollywood/humans/

yourself/republicans? You know I'm always available for a vent/sarcastic email. Hopefully I'll have something funny to write about soon. I'll let you know. As for me, I'm a graduate still working with replyforall (though barely, based on my hours) and can't find a job. Wahooo. And I'm being extremely lazy about it. But I'm having a summer filled with mountain biking, kayaking, whitewater rafting, and rock climbing. So that's definitely a highlight. :) Write back sooonnnn! (And, question from the first email I wrote you, what happened with the student at Colby? Did anything get resolved? Satisfactorily?)

Mish you. <3,>

When butterflies attack...

I've been laid up in bed basically for the last week, and I stopped taking happy pills yesterday (that's what I call my Oxycontin). Which apparently makes the happiness stop.

I just woke up-- quite forcibly-- from a dream I was having. I was in San Francisco (of course) with some of my friends and we had been walking along a city area to then settle down in a park. And there are butterflies in the park.

And they attacked me! In the dream, of course. But they attacked my face in the dream! What could that possibly mean, metaphorically?? Someone help me out... because now I have a certain uneasiness when it comes to butterflies.

...and the living is easy

Welp, here I am in CA. I actually haven't done that much exploring, but I've had a pretty good time so far. Tanner picked me up from the airport and we drove about 3 hours to Avery where his family has a mountain property. It was absolutely gorgeous. We spent a lot of time talking and drinking (a LOT of drinking) and cooking and hanging out by the lake(s). The last night we moved the mattresses outside and had a bottle of wine and talked and looked at the stars. There were so many of them! I am always amazed with that, and we looked for constellations (which, geez, are so much harder to find when you can see thousands of stars). It was a lot of fun.

And last night, I saw the Counting Crows for the first time in concert. Since I can probably match songs from them to most of my life (I mean, really, they've been around for a while), that was quite a treat. Of course, we get there, and SURPRISE! Backstage passes! I was very impressed, and Tanner-- whether he was trying to or not-- made my trip. He is going to make someone very, very happy one day.

So right now I'm in a cafe in Berkeley, where the guy gave me a free cup of coffee since I didn't have cash. The people who have made me feel incredibly welcome are the ones that I would least expect, and I could see myself living out here for a while. Six years may be a stretch, and the more I leave home, the more I see myself going back to the South.

That said, I kind of wish I wasn't out here for another week. I kind of wish I was going home today. I love spending time with Tanner (and his family is awesome), but I really wish I could transplant him to NC. All of my close friends are pretty spread out, and that makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, and those of you who remember my being weird about other possibilities for the trip, no worries there. It wasn't so much weird as it was "eh," and it kind of makes me wish I'd skipped out on that. If I had one expression, it would be to roll my eyes. I hope y'all can figure that out, because I don't really know what else to say.

And ROBYN. Still haven't seen her. Today I think I'm going to go to a bookstore, get a book, and go to one of the parks in San Francisco. It's amazing how not outgoing I am when I'm in a new place by myself. But there are a few things on my list that I really want to do, so hopefully I won't be too lazy. City Lights is on the list.

Right now I'm just going to throw caution to the wind and maybe meet up with a guy I met Saturday night who said he'd show me around the city. I don't remember him all that well, but maybe I need to meet someone random and have a new good experience.

That's about it for now. I haven't done anything too crazy, so I don't have any good stories. My bad. Now I really need to do replyforall. But that's your update, people. I'll try to be better in the future. Also, read the replyforall blog, please, because there's some interesting stuff I've been reading about, and I think that it would be easier to read it there than having me repost it on this site. Kthanxbye.

Off to Sunny San Fran

I really don't have much of an update other than the one I just wrote. I survived my backpacking trip, and I went mountain biking (don't ask me about it, I won't stop laughing), and flat-water kayaking. Now I kind of don't feel like going to California because I just want to be at home and go whitewater rafting, and kayaking, and rock climbing as much as I want. Screw SF.

No, I really just hate change. I mean, I love change and new things, but not at first. Then I'm going to get comfortable in California and decide I'm going to live there instead of coming home. But maybe not. Maybe I'll have an awful time. Especially if my last post is true.

This is kind of sweet. Whenever I feel like keeping things a secret (except from maybe my friends who can read that) I'll just post like before.

I've decided. I want someone or something to knock me off my feet. Otherwise, it's a waste of time.

ऑफ़ तो सुन्नी सन फ्रां

इ'म ऑफ़ तो कैलिफोर्निया टुमॉरो फॉर अ ट्रिप ठाट विल लिकेल्य नोट बे नेअर्ल्य अस कूल अस इ इमागिनेद आईटी। बुत ठाट'स ओके, इ गेस। इ ऍम जुस्त अ लिटिल फ्राज्ज्लेद राईट नो एंड कोउल्ड रेअल्ली जुस्त पिचक उप एंड मोवे सोमेव्हेरे इफ थे फीलिंग वास राईट।

सिल्लिनेस। इ'म गोइंग तो एंड थिस पोस्ट अस वेल बेकाउसे, इफ यू दिदं'टी नोटिस, फॉर सम रासों इ'म व्रितिंग इन हिन्दी। वेइर्द.

No one would sleep that night

"Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television."

Thanks for the quotation, Robyn. Love it. So true, and so sad.

Home is where the heart is

Ugh. I am such a butthole sometimes. Yesterday I yelled at my mom-- yes, she yelled at me first, but that's really no excuse-- and pushed past her to get up the stairs. We were talking about taking our cars in to be fixed because they've been recalled again. It's starting to freak me out, the number of ways they're discovering that this car could accidentally kill me.

Regardless, I was asking why my mom couldn't pick me up and take me back to my car so I wouldn't have to wait there (since I do most of my work between 10am-2pm and 10pm-2am). And all of a sudden she brings up about how she is paying my rent and my car insurance. So of course I say, um, you're paying my rent? "No, but I've paid your car insurance." Okay, that made me a bit upset. Because 1) I was willing to pay my car insurance but was told that until I was out of school it was fine, and 2) by not paying my car insurance am I now allowing this to be held over my head any single time we disagree? So I yelled something about how it was all about money with her and she could take all the money in my checking account because I want a mother not a banker. And then I wrote her a check.

Then I went outside and called my otter because my heart was pounding and I don't really remember the last time I yelled like that. So then I went and apologized and we talked about what I could do around the house to keep my mom from being stressed.

That's about all. I hate that I'm so ungrateful sometimes. I mean, not that I agree with my mother's actions at all, but that really has nothing to do with my behavior. I know they are trying and that this is hard for everyone. And while I know I don't ever see myself chasing after the dollar, I really wish sometimes that I didn't have to grow up on the "poor bubble," teetering all the time between being just fine and really struggling. I'm sure there is a point to all of it, maybe that I don't think money is all that important. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had it, just so my parents wouldn't be so stressed all the time.

In other news, fourth of July was good and sad all at the same time. It was Granny's birthday and we went to the cemetery. No one warned me, and the mere thought made me well with tears. But my sister and I made pretty arrangements with her hydrangeas and lilies and roses, put them in mason jars with river stones and water, and set them at Granny and Pop's grave site. And my banana pudding seemed to be a pretty big hit at the cookout. My cousin (who is like, 50. My dad got a late start on having kids compared to his back country relatives) asked me who taught me how to make it, and when I said "Granny," he said "okay then, I'll give it a try." One thing I've realized now is that getting closer to Granny last summer gave me a chance to get closer with that whole side of the family. And they're rednecks, lemme tell you. And pretty hilarious.