Life Off the Treadmill

Enemy #1, according to Beck (of the Glenn sort, not the musical genius sort)

2010-03-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

A long time ago...

2010-03-07T23:36:00.000-05:00

I had this blog that I updated...

So a lot has happened since my last blog post. I moved to Boston (Cambridge, actually, which is way cooler), I got a big girl job, and I'm starting tomorrow. What a whirlwind!

So I'll be working for a research company full-time in the domestic health division. Pretty excited about it. I'm going to be an adult! I am going to get regular paychecks! I am going to wake up before 7am five days a week!

Yeah, not really excited about that last one. But this job legit fell in my lap and, knowing the number of college graduates who are out there begging for a job in their field of work, I was so lucky it found me. The best part about it is moving back to Boston was not a mistake. I love it when I make good decisions. Plus, I'm pretty sure my parents are proud of me, and that's a really great feeling. Second best part: getting a college education was not a mistake. Taking out ridiculous loans to go to Wellesley was not a mistake. Thank goodness.

But let's talk about my wonderful friends! I had such a great time this weekend, and I'm so so glad (and so lucky) that I have wonderful, amazing ones who know me so well. Another plus of having great friends is that they introduce you to their other great friends. And I am loving it. Seriously, I'm going to have these guys find me a husband. Unless they try to put me on The Bachelorette. Seriously, it's been discussed. And vetoed. Really, I think it's because they knew about my plan to have them arrange my marriage, and they didn't want all that work. And because they would want to watch my awkward interactions on television.

Welp, I don't know what to update about at this point, and it's definitely getting late and I have to get up SO early. What am I going to wear? Will they like me? What am I going to pack for lunch?

It's like first-day-of-school-jitters.

Oh, shout out to Peyton-- I got your wedding shirt in the mail, and seriously it is my new favorite thing in the whole wide world. "EST. 2009"? LOVE IT.

Let's also have a throwback to the Johanna quizzes-- I had a great question and only one friend has gotten it so far (I knew she was a bosom friend!): What is the only part of my body that I think is actually, legitimately fat?

Also, do 401(k)s exist in the event that you are a horrible person and no one will love you or take care of you when you're old and you're going to live alone eating Chinese takeout on your bed every night until death takes you? Just wondering.

A sample of my CLT escapades

2010-01-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

Rather than just tell you the story, I'm posting a convo I had with one of my friends about it. Enjoy. (Guys names have been changed, mostly for the hell of it.)

Johanna:

and i totally made out with a guy tuesday night but i didn't sleep with him

instead i was really awkward in his car for two hours... then went home. HAHA

Kristen:

what guy??

Johanna

omg some random.

he was one of X's friends that i met when we went to X

so we all left the bar around two and jesse was super drunk, so this guy drove me back to my car

Kristen

hahahhhaah

was he hot?

Johanna

so i was awkwardly talking for like two hours and then before i got out of my car, i was like, FUCK IT and just started making out with him

oh yeah... he had a really nice jawline...

which i awkwardly told him while we were at the bar...

Kristen

jawline hahahhaha

omg that's hilarious

Johanna

hence my current status on facebook

and jesse's last comment on my wall was referring to that guy

because i also didn't really remember the next day if his name was X or Y, ha, so we called him "allegedly X"

Kristen

i was wondering about that lol

Johanna

yeah...now you know. i'm completely ridiculous. and i was like, sober.

there is no excuse.

but whatever, he was a good kisser.

Kristen

hahahahaha, nice move!! does he live here?

Johanna

and i'm leaving town, so he can think i'm crazy if he wants to

Kristen

like are ya'll gonna hang out agian?

again*

oh dang i forgot you are leaving

ughh

Johanna

umm doubt it. i don't even have his number, though i think i gave him mine. he is a minor league baseball player

so he moves around a lot

which is like the PERFECT relationship for me

so i don't have some followmearoundlikeapuppydog stuck up my ass crack all the time

Kristen

ohhhh snap!! baseball player!!!

hahahahah

Johanna

yeah, he was pretty cute. i give myself props on that one lol

Mystery Solved, aka An Ode to Tanner Welsh

2010-01-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

I have been honestly putting off this email because I don't even know where to begin with you, Tanner. But too often I have fallen silent about the people I care about for the pure fact that I care SO MUCH that I don't even have the words to express it. This will obviously be sent as an email to RG, too, but I thought it was only right that I should update my blog, too.

For those of you who don't know, I got this book in the mail a while back, and I had no idea where it came from or why. It was called "We Feel Fine: An Almanac of Human Emotion." Without looking over the book, I was obviously taken aback, and slightly...confused. What is someone trying to tell me by sending an almanac of human emotion? "Here, robot, learn some!" I wrote a blog about it, but no one came forward...

I emailed the company from whence the book came and got this email in return: "I have reviewed your order and it appears to have been sent to you and paid by Tanner Welsh." Imagine my surprise! As it turns out, the book is quite amazing. It's based on the idea that journals have slowly become replaced by blogs as social networking became mainstream. The authors created an algorithm to constantly filter through blogs for the phrase "I feel" or "I am feeling," and they started keeping track of self-reported emotions. The book is this projected amalgamated by location, age, important dates, etc. since 2005.

How amazing. Not only is this book really interesting for a blogger like me, but also for someone who is working in a project which aims to quantify emotions like engagement, motivation, empathy and confidence to understand social actions across location, project, and movement.

Tanner, I don't know how you know me so well. And I'm not really sure why you choose to continue knowing me, and continue to make some of my days the brightest I've had, just for pure fact that you're a part of them. But you do. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I really hope that I can do the same for you at some point. And in case my words or actions don't come at the right time that you need them, just ask me when you do. Because I love you so much, Tanner Welsh. You spend so much of your time being a rock for other people, I really hope that you know that-- while I may not be well qualified or well-equipped-- I will be your pebble nonetheless. And I think I speak for everyone in our group when I say that. Us pebbles make a huge wall, so lean away.

Thank you, Tanner. You are such a bright, deep light. I'm just lucky that I get some of those rays :)

Johanna Rae and the Mystery of the Amazon Book

2010-01-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, a bubble-wrapped package showed up at my door. Let me tell you, I love getting mail. There's something so much more personal about a handwritten letter than an email, and I need not remind you of my stationary obsession. So a personal package? YES.

I tore into it-- okay, I used scissors-- to find that I am the customer and the recipient. Yet it was ordered on the day I was driving back from New York, and has not appeared on my credit cards.

I don't quite understand. It's called, "We Feel Fine." Intrigued? So was I! I haven't really looked in it, in case I should be sending it back, but it's called "an almanac of human emotion." Even more intrigued? Me too! But, I'm also a little disturbed.

Is this supposed to be some sort of message? Like, "Hey, Robot, here's a book of human emotions, LEARN SOME." Or, "Here's something to store in that icebox (where your heart used to be)."

Come on, people. Gift message that shite!

I wrote the company to make sure that no one has stolen my identity and opened up a credit card in my name and is going on crazy shopping sprees and ruining my credit. And, ya know, sent me this book as a thank you. And as a jumping point for when I'm speechless after finding out that I'm somehow $15,000 in credit card debt, and yet still miniature pig- and e-reader-less. (Yes, that's right, if I was that far into debt, I would totally have my teacup pig and my B&N nook right now. My needs are simple.)

Does anyone have any information about this mystery book? Please let me know. Though I do enjoy playing Nancy Drew (still missing 26 books of that 1940s collection, if my next mystery sender needs ideas). I will pull out my titian-haired wig and pull on my green cotton, knee-length, wide-shoulder, empire-waist dress. With nothing but my flashlight and my wits to protect me, I will solve the Mystery of the Amazon Book!

Look out, mystery sender, Johanna Rae is on your trail!

I had to clean my room

2009-12-15T17:31:00.001-05:00

I had to clean my room today. It looked like a mix between a frat house and the movie Signs.

Let me explain. I hate doing laundry. I really like folding laundry. But everything else-- separating clothes, putting them away-- kill me now. So, to avoid this menial task, I tend to put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I will buy more underwear and have stocked extra bedsheets for this very reason.

In fact, just last week I thought I had beaten the system after not having done laundry in... well, I shouldn't tell you. But I walked into Wild Wing and told Tonya smugly that I hadn't done laundry because I'd figured a way out. She (slightly disgusted, I'm sure) asked, "how?"

"I unpacked my winter clothes." Oh yes, I'm brilliant.

And even though, every time I do laundry, I end up donating two bags of clothes to GW or NKF, it doesn't matter. It still piles up. So after piling up clothes in my closet, I had to start piling it up on the side of my bed, and in trash bags, and... well, you get the idea. Hence the frat house look. The smell is debatable. (Are you completely not wanting to be my friend anymore? I don't blame you, I am a slob 33% of the time. Luckily for house/roommates, I keep it confined to my personal space.)

The reference to Signs is much simpler, and while you may think it's because the smell might attract aliens and the mess would give them good hiding places, it's really just because I'm obsessed with drinking water. So there are half empty glasses, bottles, mason jars, etc. of water on every flat surface. At least it's not beer bottles. Then it really would be a frat house and would definitely smell like one.

So I'm cleaning. The End. You may throw up now.

A letter for you senator

2009-11-11T20:37:00.000-05:00

Go to your senator's homepage. Hit "Contact us" or whatever, and type something akin to thi, please:

I am writing to push for you to support the health care reform bill, and to push other Senators in Congress to support the bill as well. I hope that you can utilize this letter as one example of many our your constituents who elected you to the Senate. We believed in your ability to support our causes, but also because we believed that you would stand up for these causes firmly, vocally, and without reprieve.

There are several reasons that I find this bill to be important. First, there needs to be reform for pre-existing conditions. I think we can agree there. But if insurance companies must cover individuals, individuals MUST have health insurance. If your religion (e.g. Christian Science) or your culture (e.g. Amish) prevent you from seeking medical care, fine-- that is a case in which the government has no right to interfere.

But, in cases like mine, a personal mandate is necessary. I'm 22 years old, I just graduated college, I'm working two part-time jobs, and I'm in good health. Without a personal mandate, and knowing that I cannot be denied for a pre-existing condition, I can wait to get health care. Until I am sick, until I am pregnant, etc. Until then, I will go about my life not worrying, because, should there be an emergency of some sort, I must be cared for, even if I don't have health insurance. And the insured will pay for me, a cost reflected in their premiums.

Lastly, I do not think that a public option would kill the private sector. I went to Wellesley College, a private college in Massachusetts, which "competes" with public universities-- the difference between the two is that they offer different things. I wanted smaller classes, high interactions with professors, and a reserved campus. I was also willing to pay for for these private college amenities. These I would not have found had I gone to Boston University, though I have many friends who did attend BU and loved it. The same can be said for school/town sports, the post office/ UPS, and others. The same it will be for the public vs. the private option in health care. What's the phrase? "Different strokes for different folks." The same can and should be offered in health insurance.

Thank you so much for reading this letter. I hope that you will understand my deepest concern for the future of health care, since I will be under its hand for a long time to come. I hope that you will become an advocate for the health care reform bill (I know the ins and outs, and what passing it would mean-- I'm okay with most of the extras tagged on, too, if it means passing the reform).

Sincerely,

Your name here

This is something I did really quickly, but you get the idea. We NEED to pass health care reform. So PLEASE do this. Don't make me email each of you personally. I'll do it. Stupid Lieberman is going to switch to the Republicans side for this? Making the debate filibuster-proof? NOT OKAY.

The No Bell Pizza Prize

2009-10-11T01:38:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm having a "don't you talk about my momma/Obama!" moment, but now I'm just getting angry. Because while I'm upset over the lack of "change" going on right now, I can't take it anymore. And since I just wrote about this particular subject to friends, I thought I would share it here.

Okay, I'm doing it:

First of all--in response to criticisms that he received the prize just because he's "not George Bush"-- that's stupid. No one on the list of peace prize laureates is like George Bush.

Moving on. Why the uproar? Has everyone who has received the prize in the past achieved great things by the time they were nominated, even by the time they received the prize? More recently, Al Gore received the peace prize in 2007 (w/ the UN panel) for his work on climate change awareness. Yet two years later, we have yet to see any comprehensive energy reform in the US, much less in the entire world. Hell, we haven't even convinced everyone climate change exists. I don't remember an uproar there-- "But, why Gore? He doesn't deserve it! It's all talk! He hasn't done anything yet!"

How about in 1964, when Martin Luther King, Jr. was awarded the peace prize. By the time of his nomination, the civil rights movement had not yet won the Civil Rights Act, or the Voting Rights Act. Furthermore, did he deserve the prize over the people in Alabama or Mississippi or North Carolina who spearheaded the movement rather than figureheaded it? Let's not forget the efforts of Abernathy, or Robinson (to name a couple). --"But, Dr. King? He just gave a nice speech in Washington. He hasn't really done anything yet! In fact, it's been years and no laws have been passed!"

I don't mean to downplay the achievements of these men or anyone else who has received the prize in the past. But to pretend that this is the first time the award has been given to someone who has not yet achieved the successes for which they aim would be an ill-informed criticism. And it's not like he nominated or chose himself-- he was just as shocked as anyone else, and said himself that he didn't deserve to be among the other winners.
(What he said: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7bHkH779qg)

I am just as impatient as everyone else. But when Obama says that this prize is a "call to action," I get happy. Period. Because, I'm sorry, he got elected. No, no--rather, we elected him. Let's not forget that, it's not a passive sentence, we performed the action. And now what? We are just sitting here, waiting to be transformed as a nation. He told us to hold him accountable. How many of us, how many of the people who elected him, are doing that? Are we putting pressure on him to pass health care reform? To pass immigration reform? To pass energy reform? No, but the minority of the nation is pressuring Congress not to, or at least not to pass it in the ways Obama said we'd see it.

On that note-- have we forgotten that Obama doesn't make the laws? He doesn't write them. He doesn't pass them. If we want to see these things happen, and are angry that they haven't happened as quickly as we see fit, we are placing blame in the wrong place. Maybe we should look at our Congressmen and Congress women. Or, to get to the root of the problem, maybe we should look at ourselves. Whose country is this, anyway?

But whatever. It's easier to email/gchat/tweet/facebook message our friends about how he hasn't done anything yet.

There. There's some perspective for ya.

/rant.

Someone's in the kitchen...

2009-10-09T17:00:00.002-04:00

If you don't cook, you should. If you do, go vegan. It's a fun challenge. One at which I've utterly failed as of late (Damn you, cheese and yogurt! Damn you, lack of Whole Foods in the south!).

Regardless, I've been enjoying my favorite snack-- sweetriot chocolate bars. Yep, they're expensive. But they're also vegan, and dark chocolate. Oh, and they're pretty friendly to humans and the earth in the process.

On that note, I've realllyyy been wanting to try this recipe. If you can find the ingredients (yeah, south Charlotte sucks) you need to try this out, it's really quick and probably tastes like heaven: vegan chocolate mix.

Lastly, homemade focaccia. If you are one of those freaks who considers yeast and honey and all that stuff non-vegan, then skip over it.

That's all. Oh, and Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize? Let's not talk about it. Why? Because there's nothing to talk about. He hasn't actually DONE anything yet, that's true. I agree with progressive.org on this one. Or SNL, incidentally:

I think that it will give him momentum, and he has inspired people around the world. So I'll give him that. And I'd rather him get it now when he is trying to pass these laws and move towards peace, rather than after he got out of office. Hopefully it will only help the causes over which I'm so unnerved (due to inaction). I'll try to be a bit more optimistic. But my cynical side sometimes takes over my pragmatic side when it comes to politics. So if Obama truly takes this as a "call to action," as an expectation rather than an affirmation, I'm happy about it.

I'll be lightning

2009-10-09T02:33:00.003-04:00

Alright, so now that I've been embarrassed by Peyton who, though inspired by me (among others) to create a blog, now updates about 20x as often as I do.

I don't even remember what my last post was about. So let me do a quick update about the things I have going on/am currently interested in:

I'm a research assistant working on analyzing immigrant youth trainings in FL and CO. I'm also going to Boston soon to do some other RA work for my old Wellesley prof. Dreamactivist.org = awesome.

I bought her book (now available in paperback, unfortunately not at B&N) which is about the process by which people become motivated and involved in the politics. I may even be a super dork and ask her to sign it.

Supreme Court ruled that apparently selling videos of dog fights and animal brutality and such is completely protected under the freedom of speech (US v. Stevens, look it up). Scalia says, what about the people who like dogfighting? A NYTimes op-ed says, it's true, we may hate racists but we can't stop Nazis from marching or the KKK from spewing racist remarks. I say, true, but we don't allow them to sell video tapes of the Holocaust or lynching. Because that means they committed a crime in order to make the video, am I right? Mkay. And for money? Ugh. Sick.

Apple, Inc. cancelled membership in the US Chamber of Commerce over their position in environmental policy. Whether you love them or hate them, Apple took a positive stand for the environment, and that makes me happy. Even if they do plan obsolescence. Which is bad for the environment. Their Forbes number was pretty low, too, on the list of "green" businesses. Donahue says the US Chamber supports climate action, but not the Markey-Waxman version. Which is really stupid, because cap-and-trade favors large, multinational businesses who can afford to buy more permits. Duh, did they even read the bill?

In other news, I hate words like "green" and "organic" and "sustainable." So dumb, and no one even really knows what they mean, anyway.

Sen. Boxer (man, I wish I lived in a cool state where my senators DID something) is telling the EPA to do something about the water issue in public schools. Good for her.

This health care stuff has got to go. Two-thirds of Americans support a public option and yet it's been voted down every time in committee. Who do these people in Congress think they work for? Tough call, since we voted them in but the pharmaceuticals pay for it.

Also, what exactly is the problem with an individual mandate?? We tell insurance companies they have to cover us, but then don't mandate that people buy it? What then, would stop me, a healthy 22-year old, from going about my life without health insurance-- using the emergency room if I need to-- and waiting until I get cancer to buy insurance? That would make everyone's premiums go up. How do people not get that? Sometimes I think this country is doomed to fail because of bad logic.

Alright, that's all for now. Yeah, I know, boring. But hey, maybe you learned something. And if you read the comments on other blog posts you can learn something about me. Other than that I'm a political junkie.

Oh, and Amazon dropped the price of their Kindle. Which makes me more financially able to swing such a purchase, and yet I still have mixed feelings about my role in the death of the printed word. Hmm.

OH! I saw Whip It and now I'm obsessed with being a roller derby girl (even though I'm missing it in the QC on Oct. 21st!). What should my name be? Help a girl out!!! (I used three exclamation points, so you know I'm serious.)

A rant, one month later

2009-08-30T03:18:00.006-04:00

Okay, I have really been slacking on the updates. But really I am so happily confused with life right now that I don't feel like processing anything by writing about it.

To compromise, I'm posting a letter/rant I wrote to a friend a month or so ago (before I went to CA). I just thought about some of the things again recently, so I'm just going to plagiarize myself from July. I'm too lazy to correct the grammatical errors, by the way, so get over it. And it's long. But, you don't have to read it. No one's making you. :) Here goes:

"Well hello!!!

Remember that email I was supposed to finish and send a long time ago? Yeah, it's a little irrelevant now. But I just watched Schindler's List for the first time, and it reminded me of that movie you were telling us about in DC, something about pajamas and WWII?

Anyway, I was really taken aback by Schindler's List and I thought I would write a few words here. Because I feel like you'd understand. So first of all, who the HELL out there could possibly believe that the holocaust was a hoax?!? SERIOUSLY. And quite frankly, holocaust really doesn't do those actions justice, so I'm just going to call it genocide/massacre/murder from here on out. When I was watching a movie about the massacres during WWII, I started thinking about two things. The first being when they sing during the Sabbath. I started thinking about books I have read ("Night," for one) when they discuss how many Jews lost faith during the genocide. Not that I blame them. How could a God let something like that happen? Continuously, for such minute reasons? I'm not a religious person or anything, but I respect people skeptically have faith. And while I understand that life experiences affect whether or not someone believes in God (the kind of house they were raised in, religious people they came in contact with, etc.), I do believe that in the end, a person's relationship with God is between God and that person. So if God does exist-- and if s/he/they exist, what kind are they,really?-- it makes me really sad that human actions have turned the most faithful to the most resentful. It's not even that some don't believe in God, just that some refuse to pray to Him because they hate Him for what happened then. I find it completely understandable, don't get me wrong, but it makes me sad to think that the case. The human species sucks. Period. We can fuck anything up.

The second thing I was thinking revolves around the end of the movie. I started crying when (I'm assuming you've seen this movie?) Schindler cries at the end, saying he could have done more, he could have saved one more. One, it's sad that during the horrific depictions of treatment of the Jews, that I didn't cry, yet I did when Schindler did. I like to think that it's because I respond to emotions and not violence, but maybe part of it is that violence has become so "Hollywood" that emotions are the only thing I can connect to at this point. Shoot a man-- who cares? Cry about it-- okay, there's a chance-- but they'd better be a good actor. That is SAD. Anyway. When Schindler starts crying at the end, I have to wonder about how things haunt people. Particularly the feeling that we could have done more. Can we be doing more? Just because I'm not witnessing the atrocities firsthand, I KNOW they exist. What am I doing? Will this haunt me when I finally understand how MY inaction led to the demise of others? Or worse, will it never haunt me, when it should?

On a lighter (not really) but current note, I have to vent quickly about something I woke up to on the radio today. My parents are very conservative, and they blast conservative radio shows all over the house through our intercom (and oh yes, my mom LOVES the O'Reilly Factor). So. I woke up to some guy talking about slavery, saying "it's slavery" over and over. So I wondered to myself, "what is? Am I missing some knowledge of world events?" And do you know what he was talking about? The frickin' HEALTH CARE BILL that's in Congress right now. The healthcare bill that will add around a 1% tax to those making over $350,000. That's how they're going to pay for everyone to get healthcare. And this guy was calling it slavery, because that means that people are working for other people without receiving the money for it. "That's slavery, it's slavery," he said. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Are you seriously comparing a ONE PERCENT TAX INCREASE ON RICH PEOPLE to SLAVERY?!? He even said something about "that's what they did in the 18th century-- they brought them over on boats and made them work for someone else." THAT'S SLAVERY? Right, right. I am also a slave because I volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Right? I mean, if that's ALL that slavery is (or, the most IMPORTANT part of slavery), I'm working for someone else and not getting paid. That makes me a slave. Wow. I had no idea my life was so hard. Or rather, what were those crazy slaves complainging about? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? It has nothing to do with suppression of rights, freedom, happiness, identity, respect. Nah, it's all about the MONEY. If we had paid them but still treated them like second-class citizens they wouldn't be slaves, and there would be no problem. Right? Because who cares about anything but money? UGH.

Okay. I think I'm done for now. I just thought of you, and decided I would subject you to my 3am ramblings. I hope you are doing well. Where are you? What are you up to? And what bothers you about the world/hollywood/humans/

yourself/republicans? You know I'm always available for a vent/sarcastic email. Hopefully I'll have something funny to write about soon. I'll let you know. As for me, I'm a graduate still working with replyforall (though barely, based on my hours) and can't find a job. Wahooo. And I'm being extremely lazy about it. But I'm having a summer filled with mountain biking, kayaking, whitewater rafting, and rock climbing. So that's definitely a highlight. :) Write back sooonnnn! (And, question from the first email I wrote you, what happened with the student at Colby? Did anything get resolved? Satisfactorily?)

Mish you. <3,>

When butterflies attack...

2009-08-08T07:08:00.005-04:00

I've been laid up in bed basically for the last week, and I stopped taking happy pills yesterday (that's what I call my Oxycontin). Which apparently makes the happiness stop.

I just woke up-- quite forcibly-- from a dream I was having. I was in San Francisco (of course) with some of my friends and we had been walking along a city area to then settle down in a park. And there are butterflies in the park.

And they attacked me! In the dream, of course. But they attacked my face in the dream! What could that possibly mean, metaphorically?? Someone help me out... because now I have a certain uneasiness when it comes to butterflies.

...and the living is easy

2009-07-27T13:46:00.004-04:00

Welp, here I am in CA. I actually haven't done that much exploring, but I've had a pretty good time so far. Tanner picked me up from the airport and we drove about 3 hours to Avery where his family has a mountain property. It was absolutely gorgeous. We spent a lot of time talking and drinking (a LOT of drinking) and cooking and hanging out by the lake(s). The last night we moved the mattresses outside and had a bottle of wine and talked and looked at the stars. There were so many of them! I am always amazed with that, and we looked for constellations (which, geez, are so much harder to find when you can see thousands of stars). It was a lot of fun.

And last night, I saw the Counting Crows for the first time in concert. Since I can probably match songs from them to most of my life (I mean, really, they've been around for a while), that was quite a treat. Of course, we get there, and SURPRISE! Backstage passes! I was very impressed, and Tanner-- whether he was trying to or not-- made my trip. He is going to make someone very, very happy one day.

So right now I'm in a cafe in Berkeley, where the guy gave me a free cup of coffee since I didn't have cash. The people who have made me feel incredibly welcome are the ones that I would least expect, and I could see myself living out here for a while. Six years may be a stretch, and the more I leave home, the more I see myself going back to the South.

That said, I kind of wish I wasn't out here for another week. I kind of wish I was going home today. I love spending time with Tanner (and his family is awesome), but I really wish I could transplant him to NC. All of my close friends are pretty spread out, and that makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, and those of you who remember my being weird about other possibilities for the trip, no worries there. It wasn't so much weird as it was "eh," and it kind of makes me wish I'd skipped out on that. If I had one expression, it would be to roll my eyes. I hope y'all can figure that out, because I don't really know what else to say.

And ROBYN. Still haven't seen her. Today I think I'm going to go to a bookstore, get a book, and go to one of the parks in San Francisco. It's amazing how not outgoing I am when I'm in a new place by myself. But there are a few things on my list that I really want to do, so hopefully I won't be too lazy. City Lights is on the list.

Right now I'm just going to throw caution to the wind and maybe meet up with a guy I met Saturday night who said he'd show me around the city. I don't remember him all that well, but maybe I need to meet someone random and have a new good experience.

That's about it for now. I haven't done anything too crazy, so I don't have any good stories. My bad. Now I really need to do replyforall. But that's your update, people. I'll try to be better in the future. Also, read the replyforall blog, please, because there's some interesting stuff I've been reading about, and I think that it would be easier to read it there than having me repost it on this site. Kthanxbye.

Off to Sunny San Fran

2009-07-21T00:41:00.003-04:00

I really don't have much of an update other than the one I just wrote. I survived my backpacking trip, and I went mountain biking (don't ask me about it, I won't stop laughing), and flat-water kayaking. Now I kind of don't feel like going to California because I just want to be at home and go whitewater rafting, and kayaking, and rock climbing as much as I want. Screw SF.

No, I really just hate change. I mean, I love change and new things, but not at first. Then I'm going to get comfortable in California and decide I'm going to live there instead of coming home. But maybe not. Maybe I'll have an awful time. Especially if my last post is true.

This is kind of sweet. Whenever I feel like keeping things a secret (except from maybe my friends who can read that) I'll just post like before.

I've decided. I want someone or something to knock me off my feet. Otherwise, it's a waste of time.

ऑफ़ तो सुन्नी सन फ्रां

2009-07-21T00:37:00.002-04:00

इ'म ऑफ़ तो कैलिफोर्निया टुमॉरो फॉर अ ट्रिप ठाट विल लिकेल्य नोट बे नेअर्ल्य अस कूल अस इ इमागिनेद आईटी। बुत ठाट'स ओके, इ गेस। इ ऍम जुस्त अ लिटिल फ्राज्ज्लेद राईट नो एंड कोउल्ड रेअल्ली जुस्त पिचक उप एंड मोवे सोमेव्हेरे इफ थे फीलिंग वास राईट।

सिल्लिनेस। इ'म गोइंग तो एंड थिस पोस्ट अस वेल बेकाउसे, इफ यू दिदं'टी नोटिस, फॉर सम रासों इ'म व्रितिंग इन हिन्दी। वेइर्द.

No one would sleep that night

2009-07-07T23:45:00.000-04:00

"Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television."

Thanks for the quotation, Robyn. Love it. So true, and so sad.

Home is where the heart is

2009-07-06T01:57:00.000-04:00

Ugh. I am such a butthole sometimes. Yesterday I yelled at my mom-- yes, she yelled at me first, but that's really no excuse-- and pushed past her to get up the stairs. We were talking about taking our cars in to be fixed because they've been recalled again. It's starting to freak me out, the number of ways they're discovering that this car could accidentally kill me.

Regardless, I was asking why my mom couldn't pick me up and take me back to my car so I wouldn't have to wait there (since I do most of my work between 10am-2pm and 10pm-2am). And all of a sudden she brings up about how she is paying my rent and my car insurance. So of course I say, um, you're paying my rent? "No, but I've paid your car insurance." Okay, that made me a bit upset. Because 1) I was willing to pay my car insurance but was told that until I was out of school it was fine, and 2) by not paying my car insurance am I now allowing this to be held over my head any single time we disagree? So I yelled something about how it was all about money with her and she could take all the money in my checking account because I want a mother not a banker. And then I wrote her a check.

Then I went outside and called my otter because my heart was pounding and I don't really remember the last time I yelled like that. So then I went and apologized and we talked about what I could do around the house to keep my mom from being stressed.

That's about all. I hate that I'm so ungrateful sometimes. I mean, not that I agree with my mother's actions at all, but that really has nothing to do with my behavior. I know they are trying and that this is hard for everyone. And while I know I don't ever see myself chasing after the dollar, I really wish sometimes that I didn't have to grow up on the "poor bubble," teetering all the time between being just fine and really struggling. I'm sure there is a point to all of it, maybe that I don't think money is all that important. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I had it, just so my parents wouldn't be so stressed all the time.

In other news, fourth of July was good and sad all at the same time. It was Granny's birthday and we went to the cemetery. No one warned me, and the mere thought made me well with tears. But my sister and I made pretty arrangements with her hydrangeas and lilies and roses, put them in mason jars with river stones and water, and set them at Granny and Pop's grave site. And my banana pudding seemed to be a pretty big hit at the cookout. My cousin (who is like, 50. My dad got a late start on having kids compared to his back country relatives) asked me who taught me how to make it, and when I said "Granny," he said "okay then, I'll give it a try." One thing I've realized now is that getting closer to Granny last summer gave me a chance to get closer with that whole side of the family. And they're rednecks, lemme tell you. And pretty hilarious.

On Waterboarding and Torture

2009-06-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

Something I've been meaning to write about for a while is the use of torture in interrogations. My dad brought up a YouTube video that he had watched that had a Playboy journalist getting waterboarded. (Since when does Playboy delve into controversial moral issues? But I guess that's a conversation for another time...) I couldn't find that particular video, but there are plenty of demonstrations on the internet with varying techniques. You can go to YouTube and watch them, but here's one done by a Fox News journalist:

This is interesting because it brings up the question of whether or not waterboarding is torture. After all, as Steve Harrigan says, afterwards one is "alive and healthy" within minutes. Granted, he hasn't had it done 183 times, nor was he sleep deprived or interrogated with other "robust" or "enhanced" techniques. He also knew he could stop it any time he wanted. But regardless, it's an interesting question. Here are my questions:

1)What is the difference between drowning and the simulation of drowning? Your body's doing the same thing. So can we agree that even if you're not in a swimming pool, or ocean, or whatever, you can still drown? If they were holding someone's head underwater, wouldn't that be the same thing? This way is just more efficient. It is faster and easily determined when someone is to the breaking point--that is, they will in fact drown if you don't stop. Whether or not it's torture, can we agree that it's drowning?

2)If waterboarding is not torture, then why don't we use it all the time? Think of how many murders we could solve if we just waterboarded all the suspects. Or is it not okay when it's one of our own? We hold ourselves to higher standards when it's the treatment of an American? I would say yes, because we were outraged during Vietnam when Americans were waterboarded.

3)Yes, okay, apparently these people are evidenced to be involved in terrorist activities. Sure, okay, whatever. But we're paying informants to give us names of who is involved, and then waterboarding those people. Hm. If we think that waterboarding does give reliable information, and it isn't torture, perhaps we should be waterboarding the informants. Seriously. Because then we will know that the evidence against these people is sufficient to hold them in cells for upwards of seven years without charging them with anything. AND, because it's not torture, there's no problem in doing it. Right?

4)More generally, what is torture? If you look it up in the dictionary, it says that it means to "inflict severe pain of the body or mind." My parents tried to argue that psycological tactics are not torture. I disagree. I think that psychological torture is more long-lasting. Ask any abused person-- it's not the cuts and bruises that stick with you. On waterboarding, perhaps I'm a little biased because I have an insurmountable fear of drowning. Perhaps.

Now, some responses to my above questions might include "you don't actually die," "we don't know if they're guilty," etc. etc. I'd like to raise the question of the Geneva Conventions. Waterboarding is torture under the Geneva Conventions. Period. The Geneva Conventions also state that all sentences must be pronouced by a regularly constituted court affording all judicial gaurantees. Now, the usual argument is that the Geneva Conventions are not applicable because terrorists did not sign them, and are not a nation-state. Soo. Okay, here is my response to that, along with some other related thoughts:

1)There is not "War on Terror." We never declared war. Or did I miss that being passed by Congress? No. My dad says that the terrorists declared war on us 9/11. First, terrorists did not declare war, because they are not a nation-state. As is so fully argued. If you are using the term loosely, I have two responses:

First, that this is not the first attack on the WTC, nor the first attack on American soil (including embassies overseas). So why are they just now "declaring war?" Because it was the right time for us to respond due, to the economic and political benefits of doing so?

Second, and I know that this is controversial. So if we can agree that they did not actually declare war on us (because they are not a nation-state), and we did not declare war on them (as a nation-state), doesn't that make both of our actions terrorist? I mean, we're bombing countries without even declaring war. That's an act of terrorism. If we declared war, it would be an act of war. I know I'm never going to get some people to understand that we are not at war... but we never declared war. So we are also terrorists. Does that make me seem unamerican? Sorry if it does, but that's just the logical outcome when you actually think about it.

2) By signing the Geneva Conventions (and btw, we require other countries to sign as part of our agreements), it doesn't mean that we agree to follow these articles with the other countries who signed. It means we won't do this to anyone. "But, the terrorists are not a nation-state," right? Okay, here is what is going through my head: Think about when the Geneva Conventions were written-- first in 1864, and the last convention was after WWII. What was the terrorist activities going on during that time? All actions were done through governments. My argument, then, is this. By omitting rules for dealing with "enemy combatants" (as we call the suspected terrorists), it doesn't mean that it is therefore okay to use torture. It just means that they had no idea what the world would be like more than fifty years later. If terrorists didn't exist then, and acts of war were performed by nation-states, why do we assume that they were thinking "alright, we'll just say nation-states, and then if it's terrorists, the rules do not apply." Maybe everyone who wrote it and agreed to it didn't know what would develop later in the future.

So now we're getting into the way to interpret it. This is just as controversial, as we have seen from the ways to interpret the Constitution on issues that were not explicitly written. But if we stick with interpreting the Geneva Conventions with the spirit in which it was written, then we have to agree that torture is not acceptable. Were the Geneva Conventions--knowing both that it was written in a time void of "terrorists" and that torture is condemned-- written only to protect citizens of a nation-state at war? Or was it to protect the sanctity of human life, and to require the humane treatment of one another? I say the latter, and that it was written in the language of the decade.

Honestly, if we really think that it's okay to torture enemy combatants, then why don't we just amend the conventions?? As far as I know, the last amendment we made--and this was after 9/11-- was to require the use of a red cross on humanitarian aid vehicles. So, why not an amendment?

3) This is on torture more generally. Suppose we can't get people to understand that torture against suspected terrorists is abhorrent. What about the effects of torture on the torturers? As in, Americans.

There has been a lot of research done on the effects of decreased sensitivity to pain. Meaning, you see pain inflicted so much that it just doesn't bother you anymore, to the point that inflicting pain doesn't bother you, and you carry it into other parts of your life. For instance, obviously we are pretty aware of the connection between animal abuse and sociopaths. Huge correlation there, a big red flag (You can read Cruelty to Animals and Interpersonal Violence by Lockwood and Ascione, if you're curious). But are you also aware of the research done on factory farming/slaughtering animals for a living and violence? There are plenty of antecdotal research done to show that those who slaughter animals for a living-- especially in factory farms where animals are treated like products rather than living beings-- are more likely to carry home with them this insensitivity to pain. That means increased domestic violence. As Gustavo and Illich would say, "only stories make sense." But for those of you out there who need numbers and scientific methods, check out Slaughterhouse & Increased Crime Rates: An Empirical Analysis of the Spillover by Fitzgerald et. al.

I'm not trying to get you to stop eating meat and dairy products. Though you should. What I am bringing up is the correlation between institutionalized violence and unauthorized violence. I'd be curious to know the behavior of torturers outside of the military. I'm sure there is some sort of correlation between torturing people for a living and being a violent person. So I'd really love to see a study done when the institutionalized violence is towards people. I'd assume there to be a much higher correlation when the acts of violence are done against the same species. Of course, we'd have to admit to torture before we could study it. Ha. So maybe I'll never know. But my point is, what are we doing to our military, and how is it affecting their sense of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior (I would say "right" and "wrong" but I want to make clear that it is subjective, and we're talking about what is right according to our culture)? And through this effect, what are we doing to their families? To their friends? To those who may piss them off at a bar?

Alright. I should also mention the difference between correlation and causation, and spurrious correlation, etc. But the fact of those things is that we'll never know, so why are we taking the chance? (Similarly, the theists out there who kill over who's God exists, when we'll never know for sure whether one exists at all. Duh, that's why it's called faith. Again, a conversation for another time.)

So, what are your thoughts? Is waterboarding torture? Is torture acceptable in some circumstances? I have my own ideas about when torture should be used, but this post is really long already, so I'd love to hear your thoughts, and then I'll post my policy recommendation when it comes to torture.

Preparation...and pictures

2009-06-22T00:37:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to start my life as a real live adult. And that starts with getting my finances in order: reviewing my credit report and putting together a payment plan for my student loans. Which are going to kick my ass. But at least I am now fully aware of how much so. Luckily, I realized two years ago that I needed to start saving money, so as it turns out I'm pretty responsible. Whew.

Krista and I have also been taking hikes to prepare for our AT backpacking trip. Oh, did I not update y'all? We said, "screw it, let's do the Appalachian Trail instead." I mean, really, why not? When the AT is in your backyard, you've gotta do it. We're still doing a loop, though, since we need a way home. So this past Saturday we did a bit over 6 miles at Crowders Mountain. My favorite trail= Rocktop trail. I've done it before but we crossed back this time with Crowders Trail. It was legit 97 degrees this weekend with what must have been 70% humidity. I stopped to take a picture of a bridge about .2 mile in, and beads of sweat started dripping down my forehead. Like, wait a minute, I haven't even started the physical activity...

So here are some pictures of Krista and me preparing. I decided that there would be plenty of photo documentation of this trip. It is my graduation gift and all.

Training, day one (Probably only about a 2.7mi day):

King's Pinnacle Trail

I thought these trees were pretty cool

Krista at completion

Training, day two (Over 6mi for sure, maybe 6.5mi):

The bridge from my above story

Krista's point in the direction we need to go-- UP.

One gorgeous overlook.

Do you see the blazes? This is why it's my favorite

Robyn would be so proud of the bouldering

Well that about wraps it up. I have a deadline tomorrow for replyforall, but eh. I'll just get up early. Oh, also in my life preparation is GRE preparation. I don't even know what the test consists of section/question-wise, so I should really start looking into that. Anyone with any recommendations for computer- v. paper based?

Lastly, as I finish this massive blog post, I must say a bravissima! to Anna. She seems to be the only one who knows this quiz stuff (except Tonya knew the Nancy Drew, she just didn't post it). But honestly, people, if you don't start commenting soon, I'm going to stop blogging altogether (except for the paid stuff, of course). And it creeps me out a little that I don't know who's reading my posts...

Anyway, quiz time:

1) Explain the origin of PWNED. Then tell me how long it takes for the sun's light to reach the earth.

2) I have two massive collections of things. Other people are responsible for one collection (i.e. given to me as gifts), I am responsible for the other. What are they? Hint: They both have something in common-- their theme, perhaps. Another hint: Both can be found a my favorite store in Charlotte. Bonus if you know what that is.

Getting my head on straight

2009-06-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

So my head's been in a bad place lately. I'm not really sure why but I wasn't my normal, carefree self. And that sucks. Worst of all, I spent the last week or so going about my day without thought. Now I wonder if that is why I'd been irritable, because I wasn't paying attention to life. I think when you live on purpose, it's a lot easier to go with the flow. I know that statement may seem contradictory, but I don't think it is at all.

Or maybe it's just the weather that's making me irritable. It is absurdly sticky outside, all the time. It's so hot it rains. If you live in humidity, that makes perfect sense to you and you understand exactly the situation in which I find myself. And you know that it's not pleasant. I feel like clothing should be optional in weather like this. Seriously.

...I'm doing more work for replyforall, which is nice, and I even have a work address now. It's almost like I have a real job!

Ohhhh. I saw Atonement. It was pretty incredible and now I'm upset I didn't read the book first. James McAvoy is working his way up the list of actors whom I will almost surely see in any film. I mean, come on, Wanted? That was pretty badass-- very reminiscent of Fight Club. Though I'm not a fan of any of his female film counterparts. So you must understand that, when I say Atonement is worth two hours of your life, it's not because Keira Knightley stole the show.

Speaking of shows! Phantom of the Opera? I think the music gives me chills just about every time I hear it, but yesterday was the first time I'd seen it on stage. And seriously, I don't think musicals can ever live up to that standard ever again (or rather, they haven't since Weber brought Phantom to Broadway). The set was brilliant (I could talk about that for days), the music was looming, and the script was funny. And of course the mix between Broadway and Opera was pure genius. I mean, come on, people. I loved Wicked and all, but a moving dragon does not, nor could it ever, live up to a falling chandellier.

(For those of you who don't know, I am a HUGE theatre geek. So much so that I spell theatre with an "re" instead of an "er." Whatever. That's how it's spelled.)

Let's end on that note with a quiz question. I don't know if I should ask another random, because apparently no one knows the difference between the Qur'an and the hadith. Look it up, people. It might clear up some confusion, and then you can school some Republican/Conservative/Christian ass. Or stop being one of them yourself.

Sorry, that was off-subject. The question is: What is a childhood favorite musical of mine? (Hint: it's still a favorite and I performed in it. Bonus if you can tell me my role.)

Nothing really

2009-06-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

I don't really have much to say but I'm up and figured I'd blog. So, updates?

Today (technically, since it's after midnight) is my sister's birthday! Hurray! And flag day, if that matters to you. We had her party tonight. I gave her a sock monkey. Which now means that I have Beastie Boys stuck in my head.

And speaking of head, HAHAHA. Okay, sorry, I wish I had something a little more provocative to say than "I have an awful headache." But I do, and it kills.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. Went hiking with my sister this morning at Crowders Mountain to King's Pinnacle. Which was labeled "strenuous" but we didn't think it was so bad. Until of course about a mile and a half in when suddenly it began the 45 degree incline. Ha, but it was fine. Also saw a black snake on the way back, which was sweet as. Backpacking in less than a month! I can't wait!

Oh! I went to Shakespeare in the park last night, which was pretty cool. Had a nice little picnic and watched Twelfth Night (which I believe you will recall was a quiz question a while back). I like that play a lot, but I always mix up some of the story with As You Like It... too many cross-dressing females of which to keep track. Both pretty hilarious, though.

Also hilarious? My dad saying "are you serial?" to my mom tonight.

Alright, I have to get away from this screen because I think my head is going to explode. But speaking of quizzes, it's been a while since I entertained you (eh, entertained myself, really) with a quiz. So here goes (one random, one personal-- as usual):

1) Per a conversation at dinner tonight: What is the difference between the Qur'an and the hadith?

2) I keep a notebook in my bag with a bunch of random questions/info/notes/etc. What is the piece of information I need from this notebook when I go into a used book store?

An interesting find...

2009-06-13T02:41:00.000-04:00

Cleaned out stuff in my room today and found a garter belt, condoms, and Mario Lemieux cards. Strange... and slightly kinky...

Also having a debate right now with one of my guy friends about the whole friends and sex thing. He is just not getting it. He is, in fact, convinced that we will eventually have sex. But funny thing, I tried to tell him that, as my guy friend, he has the anatomy of a Ken doll. I explained, and then he got really disappointed/ started laughing. He thought I meant that he was really attractive (...like a Ken doll?). HAHA. I'm not laughing because he's not, I'm just laughing because he cracks me up sometimes. Especially because we are having an actual argument about it. He's trying to explain this to me "logically." HAHA.

Alright, that was worth picking up the phone at two in the morning. Now I'm going to bed because I'm going hiking tomorrow! Wahoooo.

My Speech!

2009-06-12T23:55:00.000-04:00

I realized I never posted my valedictorian speech from high school. So here it is. Don't judge me, okay? This was four years ago... though I still stand by everything I said then, I hope that now I would say it a bit more elegantly...

"Good afternoon Class of 2005, parents, and guests. Today is a formality- an announcement to the world of achievements long since made. I am happy to be standing here so I can let those to whom I am grateful know how much their guidance has meant to me. I want to first acknowledge my parents and sisters, I love you more than I can express; each one of you has inspired me in a different way. To all of my teachers: your classes were the reason that I came to school (when I did) and those of you who I have promised a car, I will follow through one day, cross my heart. And to my friends, especially my best friend, Amy, thank you for putting up with someone as difficult as me; thank you for the pats on the back, the honest advice, the orange juice, and all of the great memories that I’ll carry with me forever. It wasn’t that I was comfortable enough to be myself around you, but instead that I had no choice.

After asking several people about this speech, I realized that I should not discuss something that I hope will impact you years from now in your lives. It occurred to me that many of you will have forgotten what I have said before August and others before the night is over. Instead, I should talk about what is meaningful to us now. But I will try to take the advice of one of my teachers for writing papers. So hopefully this speech will be like a girl’s skirt, long enough to cover what’s important but short enough to keep them interested.

I’ve realized this year that I am not ready to be on my own. This year I have felt so mature, so grown-- as we all have, I’m sure. This year I have felt like an adult, and then something happens. Especially these past few months, where I feel so experienced until a certain event occurs and it knocks me off my pedestal, and suddenly… I feel utterly childish. I am helpless and not as independent and settled as I thought I was before. But in dealing with this loss I have also found some things out about myself.

In the eastern religion of Taoism, the essence of the Un-carved Block is that things or people in their natural simplicity have power within themselves. I know many people may stand up here and say that at this age, we are like clay, ready to be molded into the person we should be. But I want to ask all of you to stay un-carved. We have plenty of expectations to live up to in our lives, as a sister, brother, a son or a daughter, and a friend, and maybe one day a husband or wife and a mother or father. We have to be careful not to become the person that other people want us to be, but instead the person that we have been all along. Our simplicity is what makes us who we are, beyond what others may turn us into. It is when we allow others to change us that we begin to be chipped away, and carved into someone that we are not.

Keeping this in mind, we are all products of what we encounter. Every person that we come in contact with changes us, every event shapes us to a certain extent. So even if we regret people that we come in contact with, or grieve over events that have occurred, we have to appreciate them for what they are-- because everything that has happened to us, good or bad, has led us to this moment.

And now we are here, graduating and suffering the grief of leaving our friends, with whom we have not just grown older, but with whom we have grown. It’s hard to think about leaving everyone because I know if we all came back here in ten years it would not be the same-- Charlotte may be, but we won’t. Nelson Mandela once said that “there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” It is my hope that everyone here, when that day comes, will be satisfied with who we are.

The best advice I can give all of us, even myself, is to keep our eyes open, to acquire knowledge with an open heart and a receptive mind. Know the rules before you break them; know the people before you hate them. And go cautiously but confidently into the future. So one last thank you to everyone here for listening to me and not falling asleep, and for those of you who did, thanks for doing it quietly. To the Class of ’0-5, see ya in 10 years."

Seriously wondering

2009-06-12T11:53:00.000-04:00

If it is possible for men and women to be "just friends." I mean, really. I'm very annoyed with the men in my life... though to be more accurate I should include "not in my life" in that statement as well.

I could probably elaborate about this more but I'll spare y'all the ranting. I think I'm a good friend. I dare say a great friend. And maybe guys should take that into consideration when trying to mess things up by bring it up to the next level (jumping ladders, if you will) or thinking that I do just because I am considerate. Maybe I just like to do nice things for people and your penis has nothing to do with it. And maybe you should just be happy with me doing nice things for you instead of wishing that at some point in the future I will be doing them naked.

Ugh. Is Harry right?

Home again, home again

2009-06-10T17:45:00.001-04:00

I'm back in North Carolina for what I hope will not be too short or too long a time. Graduation was great. I didn't realize until I looked at the program that I graduated cum laude. So that's pretty cool.

Now, I'm looking into something... I swear I have so many different life tracks in which I'm interested that I'm struggling to figure out which one to do at which moment, for fear that the opportunities to do the other tracks will be gone later. Am I really considering academia? Yep, that's right, graduate school. For my Master's? No no, I like to really dive in. I'm looking at PhD programs. I should probably take the GRE at some point. Meh.

I'm also in the process of unpacking. I kind of like living out of suitcases and boxes, but packing and unpacking is also nice because I have to take a hard look at what I have and learn to purge my life of the unnecessary material goods within it.

Oh... and today I found a box stuffed into a far corner of my room. High school sentimental box. As in, high school boyfriend box. Ick. It was very nice to throw that entire thing away. I wonder if I'm condemned to spend my life trying to forget the past. I did read a letter that was in the box. Probably the best one to read because it was an apology of sorts... then I found "our" journal (yep, I'm pretty creative when it comes to long distance relationships) and the last entry was one I don't think he ever read. I think that was at the point when I was becoming stronger. I hated looking back over those things (but of course I couldn't resist taking a peek) because I find myself to have been so pathetic. The memories come flooding back (the concussion, the sprained ankle, the bruises and scars inside and out) when "hypothetical" conversations arise and I just want to throw up sometimes. But I'm stronger for it, and I guess that's all that matters. I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it... I think that's how the saying goes.

And much like bad things, all good things come to an end. Like the college years (for a while?). I had a lot of fun, I have to admit. Not that I look back at Wellesley with some nostalgic longing to go back there or anything. But I am happy for Wellesley if for no other reason than giving me the opportunity to meet some amazing people. See how much fun we had at the photo booth? :)

And sometimes, when good things end, some other good things come back! Like Eric! I think he's coming over for some high school-style BFFL action tonight, which means cooking, guitar/singing jam session, and hopefully a massage. And perhaps more brainstorming about how to make miniature animals (like dolphins and elephants) a reality. And perhaps a debate on all things political and religious and silly. I'm setting the bar pretty high. But there's a lot to catch up on before his BAND goes on TOUR this summer. Ugh, I'm so jealous. He's living his dream. I'm probably more jealous that he even knows what his dream is, much less the fact that he's living it.

Since this seems to be a reflection on high school, and college, and all that great stuff, I believe my next post will be my graduation speech. Bah-haha! Back when I was all smart and valedictorian. You just can't wait, can you?

Thoughts on Granny

2009-05-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

There’s something interesting about grief. The death of Granny is an event that I like to call “rock bottom,” but it was really just the opposite. I don’t even know if I’m ready to write about it, because she had such an impact on my life that even now I’m still discovering. She will get (another) short story dedicated to her eventually. But for now I’ll give a basic overview.

It’s not the death of Granny, really, but the life of Mrs. Daisy Huffstickler Hudgens that changed me. For the nine months I spent abroad, updates on family would stress and frustrate me. I felt helpless to change it. I felt guilty I wasn’t there.

Then the summer came, which provided me with the chance to spend three months with Granny. I lived with her and took care of her, including but not limited to dressing, bathing, feeding, and administering pills. But the times in between all of that—all of the conversations and silences—were the life-changing part. I felt helpless and unprepared. I felt stressed and frustrated, and then guilty for being stressed and frustrated. I felt like I was going crazy. I was in back woods North Carolina with no friends, no real civilization, and what felt like no freedom.

We almost lost her at the beginning of the summer. She had a few heart attacks and had luckily not yet signed a DNR order, so she spent weeks in the hospital, in ICU, and then another month in a rehab facility. So I spent my days there. And held her hand, and listened to her complain about doctors’ cold hands (“your fingers are like ice!”) and how the nurses were too rough with her (“ohhh foot, your tryin’a keel me.”). And she was adorable. Like, really, really adorable. Especially when she would talk without her dentures.

And she loved to hear stories about the family. Paul and the wedding that May (“that’s Paul? He’s got hair like a girl!”) and Jessica finally discovering that Granny wore a prosthetic breast (“what did Jessie say about my boob?”). And talking about how she didn’t know what she was going to do without her nurse. Me. Sometimes when I would get her undressed for bed, she would say (with no teeth in, of course), “Johanner, what are you going to do when you don’t have a Granny to look after?” And I would always say, “I don’t know, Granny, I just don’t know.”

And the truth is, I didn’t. I grew to love her, beyond the love that is automatically reserved for family members. It was that generous, selfless love that comes from loving someone’s soul and being beyond the limitations and faults. Of which she had few, minus perhaps the forgetfulness and inability to walk.

But she was so strong. That’s what I’ll remember most. Her brother, Max, would come by once a week or so to visit, and he would say that her will to live was the only thing keeping her alive. “When the Good Lord is ready to take her,” he’d say, “the Good Lord himself is gunna hafta come n’ drag her to heaven.” She made it through two types of cancer, disease and infection, and you couldn’t tell from the level of her spirit. I learned what joy looked like.

And it was true, she wasn’t going anywhere until she was good and ready, and that applied to things beyond heaven. On the flip side, when she was ready to go somewhere, there was really no way to stop her. We had to check her out of the rehab facility early because she would get up and push her way to the door. And oh man, the physical strength that woman could muster when it meant going home and getting back to her cat. That cat. Jesus. Tinker didn’t like anyone but Granny, and she would stay up for hours at night either fussing at or fussing over him.

So I still wonder what to do without Granny around. But I do know that I am so grateful she was a part of my life. I spent nine months abroad learning about other cultures, other people, other ways of knowing. But it took me those three months of being in the sticks of North Carolina to learn what love was. Going back to school that semester was a time of purging my life of the bad, the negative, the hurtful. But after Granny died, this semester was spent reeling in the good, the positive, the joyful. Soaking up every moment and appreciating them in all their beauty. And I know that she was a big part of that.

There's a lesson I learned from Granny that I always say, but never fully understood until last summer. Love isn’t something you feel, it’s something you do.

And I hope I can live up to how well she did that.

Bouldering, backpacking, and bro

2009-05-25T10:33:00.000-04:00

So I'm going bouldering today after I talk to my professor. Which I'm slightly nervous about because he may or may not have read my paper already. But yay bouldering! It's been a while.

I'm also planning a weekend backpacking trip with my sister Krista. We're in the process of finding a small tent (we have six-person tents, which isn't very conducive to packing. Or more specifically, packing light). But I'm so excited. This is the trail we're looking at: Maddron Bald Loop. Not bad for a weekend, and a beginner.

Lastly, my brother made the local news the other day for Hattie's Crawfish Festival. He's not cooking, but doing what I assume to be his number two favorite activity: eating. It runs in the family, I tell you. He's the one laughing and looking like he's having a really good time. That must also run in the family. :)

Requests!

2009-05-24T02:07:00.000-04:00

I want addresses. I was talking to someone about stationary the other week and I realized that, for all of the stationary I own, I don't write very many letters anymore. So I would like your address. You can put it as a comment, or email me. Seriously. I will write you, I promise. I'm buying stamps tomorrow. It's time I committed to something. Might as well start small, right?

Also, I would really love some book recommendations. Fiction and Non, wacky and thoughtful, intellectual and shallow. I want to read a lot this summer, too. FOR FUN. Gosh, I can't wait.

Lastly, if I haven't told you something that I enjoy about you lately, tell me. I really should be more open with the people that I care for, even if it's about nothing more than why I care for them. And if you're reading this, I cared about you enough to give you my blog. So that's pretty special, making you pretty special.

Damn, I'm in way too good a mood. (That was a lot of "oo" in the previous sentence...weird.)

A Lesson From Smitu

2009-05-23T13:07:00.001-04:00

So I didn't have time to write last night. I was phoning it up, and then my body was so tired from the beach that I just went to sleep. Now that everything's over, I'm not really sure to do with my time, but spending it in front of the computer doesn't really seem like fun at the moment. So I'm going to take my journal outside instead, along with the Tao of Pooh (I started reading it again yesterday at the beach), and my graduation dress. So I can write, read, or sew in a zipper. Seems like a good day to spend in the grass.

Anyway, I wanted to write down something I wrote for my IHP professor, Smitu Kothari. He passed away kind of suddenly over my spring break this year, and at the beginning of the month we had a little celebration of life in Boston while they had one in Delhi. Anyway, it was a great ceremony, and full of stories about him and how funny he was. It's interesting to me the impact that someone can have on your life, just by knowing them for a short while. Once you got to know Smitu... well, he was inspiring. It was one of those moments when he died where it seemed like the world should just stop moving and take notice.

So we had a prayer flag, and a chance to write a memory, or a message. I wrote mine, but as we all know I like to keep my feelings to myself. So I didn't put it on the prayer flag...but I'll write it here instead. It was in India when I realized that there are many places in a social movement, and many ways to make change... there's this whole metaphor with a candle... if you're interested, I'll explain later. But anyway... this is for Smitu, and a big thanks for his part in my life.

a lesson from Smitu:

it's not what you do with
your life
it's what you do in it.
it is not the outcome
but the actions (
the pure act of living
is a movement
of justice
of peace
of love.)

--jrh

Done done done

2009-05-22T11:33:00.000-04:00

And I'm off to the beach... it's amazing how much I can get done when the prospect of going to the coast for the afternoon is dangled in front of my face.

I'll probably be exhausted and won't go into Boston tonight, but that's great news for you because then I can take a moment and maybe write a serious, thoughtful blog post. On a Friday night. Ha.

Aw

2009-05-21T21:34:00.000-04:00

There is an albino spider crawling on the ceiling above my bed.

It's too cute to kill!

Damn it.

2009-05-21T01:02:00.000-04:00

These Skittles have gelatin.

Worst vegan ever.

The Miserable Luck of a Fattie

2009-05-21T00:40:00.001-04:00

So, I will first say that I know I'm not fat. I feel like I should mention that because otherwise I'm going to get very angry comments. I'm very happy with my body, thanks. When I say "fattie" I do not mean to imply anything about my body shape, but rather the amount of food that I put into my body. Which is a lot. And my overwhelming desire to eat basically all the time has led to, among other things, a credit card bill full of restaurant tabs (along with drinking tabs, gas, and my cell phone bill. Not much else.).

Tonight... well, my overwhelming desire to eat just lost me $5. That's right. First of all, I'm in Pendleton (please see my balloon story if you're confused), and I didn't bring food with me. It's like, a five minute walk back to my room, but if I went back, I would never leave, and therefore never finish this paper. Besides, my room is stocked with the very basics right now-- beer, hommus, carrots, almonds, and pickles-- which I've been sustaining myself on for a week now. So I want something different.

So I need change for the vending machine so that I can buy one of three vegan things in there (none of which are healthy, but that's beside the point). All I have is a five dollar bill. Being the smart person that I am, I know that the copying machine takes five dollar bills. So I insert my five dollars and then hit the change button... and then realize I have to make a copy before I can get change.

Of course I stick my head under the copy machine (and oh yes, someone passed by at this point) and make the silliest face I can think of, and hit the green "copy" button.

Nothing happens.

The machine is broken. Not broken enough not to take my five dollars, NO. Only broken enough to make me self-depricate to no avail.

So I lost five dollars. Sigh. And it all would've been totally worth it if I could've gotten change.

My life is average...

2009-05-20T07:06:00.000-04:00

I just thought I would pass this around. Everyone's gotten really into the fmylife.com site lately, but for some of us, it's not really all that easy to relate to, or at least not all the time.

So for those of us whose lives are average (and maybe even slightly boring), I give you: mylifeisaverage.com.

Enjoy!

I'm sick :(

2009-05-19T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm dying.

...That was dramatic. But my throat is KILLING me. I'm sure the stress over Zapatista paper/finals had something to do with it. And also perhaps the fact that my 3 hours in the car to and from Amherst to visit with Molly and Emma was spent singing very loudly along to my music.

So clearly the best recourse for this is drinking beer. And going to sleep early. I'll write my last paper tomorrow. (Last paper of my college career, perhaps? Cross yo' fingers, bitches!)

My throat is so hoarse... I just tried to squeal out of excitement, and no sound came out of my mouth. Though I did hear the dog barking downstairs...

I'm not in an over-thinking sort of mood right now (you're thinking "WHAT? Does that Johanna even exist??" I assure you it does), so I'll save the things more serious to talk about later. Right now I have just been enjoying every moment without thinking of their implications. That's for another time.

So to end this, I'll leave you with a video that makes fun of college kids. I think I'm allowed to do that since I won't be a college kid very, very soon.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Sad.

2009-05-18T21:49:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in the Atrium doing my work, surrounded by the Emerald Palace from the Wizard of Oz. (Backstory: senior prank every year is to decorate buildings, and Pendleton was the WOO. You can imagine my delight. Especially because they also took my idea to recycle bottles to use as decorations. It's was a recycled Emerald Palace. Marvelous.) I'm going to tell it as a story:

It's finals, people are being extremely quiet and getting their work done. You're quietly procrastinating. Seniors are gearing up to party and graduate and celebrate Wellesley either though reminiscing over Wellesley memories or imagining how great it will be to have Wellesley as a just a memory.

And then, from beyond the clickity-clack of computer keys, you hear something. "Sssssssssss." This hissing noise is coming from behind you and don't want to turn around because, much like smiling at strangers on campus, a turn will incite glares hinged with "mind your own business." So you remain in your mime-like cubicle as the hissing becomes closer. Suddenly you see it out of the corner of your eye: a custodian. He's walking by, pulling balloons off the wall, one by one, and cutting holes in them. He drops them on the floor, and the balloons squirm as air is released. You, as a senior, find this to be very symbolic of your relationship with Wellesley as the institution. You feel like you're withering away. Your soul is a deflating balloon.

Just as you laugh to yourself over the balloons, the custodian either can't reach or has become impatient. "POP." He is now popping balloons, and you notice the stop of the clickity-clack. Everyone has noticed. The balloons, themselves now penetrated , have penetrated the mime-like cubicles of Wellesley students.

As it turns out, people are aware of life off the computer screen during finals. Even if they still glare when you smile.

Okay, I really could make up an entire story based off of that one situation, but I really should get back to replyforall stuff since I actually get PAID for writing there. Though it's not nearly as entertaining.

It's over...

2009-05-17T03:57:00.000-04:00

and I'm flipping ecstatic. Flipping. Yes. I want to do flips. Because it's finally OVER.

What, you ask? Well, you haven't been talking to me lately if you don't know.

Zapatistas can suck it because my paper is done and turned in and it's late and I don't carrreeeeeee. (I'm saying that to the tune of a song. A song I just made up in my head.) (Zapatistas, don't really suck it. I just spent 20 pages defending you, I really like you. Really the paper can suck it.)

Alright, it's four AM which means in a couple of hours I will have been up for one complete day, and while that's probably the most entertaining time to be around me, I don't think it really comes across in writing (it's so hard to convey tone!).

So I am excited for today because it's Sunday and I get to see Molly and Emma. And that will complete an almost perfect weekend. Near perfect. Like, pretty up there as far as weekends go...yeah.

And, to complete this post before I finish this beer and fall asleep to the birds chirping outside my window, I will make one of my handy lists.

Best things EVER when you're in a good mood, but not so much if you're in a bad one:

1.)Birds chirping outside the window
2.)Kids saying (you guessed it) the darnedest things
3.)Rain on your face when you've forgotten an umbrella
4.)Loud music to the point of obnoxious-ity (yeah, is there no noun for that? Interesting discovery...)
5.)Chills
6.)Lots of giggling
7.)PDA
8.)Someone blowing up your phone

Okay, that's all I can think of at the moment. It's kind of hard to think of things that wouldn't be awesome if you were in a bad mood. Because I'm kinda delirious right now. But eight things is actually a lot. Hm. I'll have to work on that when I'm in a bad mood to cut that list down.

ALLLLSO. My element is water. (If you're an IHPer, you should read this the same way Helena said it during the Captain Planet group checks. If you're not, ask me for my impression.)

Picture from abroad, because why the hell not:
This week's quiz: name this tree.

I love big trees.

I want to go camping.

(and then I found $20)

Squawk!

2009-05-15T23:31:00.000-04:00

I have no reason to title my blog post that, except that I think it is a really funny word to say. But only if you actually squawk whilst saying the word "squawk." Give it a try, seriously. HILARIOUS, right?

Okay, so I'm sorry my last post was boring, especially after I'd gone two months. We're going to spice up this blog with some cool video or something. I am more fun in person than I am in my blog, and I find that to be an epic fail. So here's an adorable video of some otters. Don't stop watching-- if you think it's cute, see it through because it just gets cuter.

Also, I've been thinking lately about-- and sorry to have to read about this after talking to you, Tonya-- transexuals and transition drugs/surgery. My friend from abroad is engaged/committed to a woman who is transitioning into a man. First, let me say that I really knew nothing about this area. I feel like coming from my background, I was already at a disadvantage, but even at Wellesley where I know people are transitioning, it's never been on my mind or in my vision. Now knowing someone who is going through this, it's really interesting to delve into a topic so far removed from my everyday interactions.

I should say that I have met Cayes (pronounced Kye) and he is such a great person. Really chill, loves Britney Spears (which we all know is my not-so-secret guilty pleasure), and is down with just about everyone. Understanding on a more personal level the reasons that someone is going through this and making this change has been a lesson to me in knowing myself. For someone to come to the conclusion that they are living in the wrong body sexually speaking not only shows deep awareness of themselves, but to act upon that knowledge in a way to improve your life shows great courage. Especially when considering that, by taking such a big step, you are alienating and sometimes exiling yourself from friends and family. It's amazing how much I've grown to respect Cayes and even (without knowing them personally) FTM transitioners in general from being able to fully understand the reasons for and the reactions to such a life-changing decision.

So anyway, I guess I'm just going to mention that he is reaching out to friends for help getting him to the West Coast, and also to raise money to have top surgery (bust removal, basically). He's asking $10 a person, and while I know money's tight, it's the same amount as a shot of liquor in a bar, and therefore I think it's important to consider the impact this would have on his life. Here's his facebook event page about raising money, his donations page, and videos of him documenting his transition from female to male. (I should also mention that, from a journalistic standpoint, I think it's valuable that he documents this transition for himself; but to put it out there with the intention of showing solidarity to other FTM transitioners and those questioning it for themselves, I find that to be really amazing.) The videos are well done in their own right, but I think it's nice to watch even if you don't really care about Cayes personally, because it documents and raises awareness about an issue that is largely kept at society's periphery.

Also, Cayes in Kreyol means "home, house" which had special meaning to him because he finally feels at home with himself. Very cool.

Alright, that's all for tonight. I have to write a paper tomorrow to turn in late about the Zapatistas, and I already have someone wanting to read it. First late paper EVER, and a drop in my grade, but it's totally worth it. Life's more important than the academic institution.

Quiz? I feel like no one tried to answer my last question. So that makes y'all lame, too. I hope you will get the pop culture reference: NO QUIZ FOR YOU! (There should be some foreign accent when reading that...)

Bed time.

Who is this person?!?

2009-05-10T14:17:00.000-04:00

I don't really have a lot of updates. Except that I've been going out entirely too much and haven't really been getting work done. Could be because of Boy, but I really can't blame him all that much since I was queen of procrastination before he arrived on the crime scene that is my life.

So I don't really know what to say. I don't know if I'm graduating until 3 days before commencement. That sucks, but at least they're reopening my case. I am writing a paper about the Zapatistas and land reform in Mexico. I have to write a paper for Gender Studies. And I have some (paid) blogging to do for replyforall. All in one day? Unlikely. But I'll try.

As for Boy, don't ask a lot of questions. It's short term, and it's great. I like that I can be myself and open up completely and its not weird or scary or anything. I find myself acting like a person who hasn't been treated like shit in past relationships. I mean, really, where are my issues? My defense mechanisms? My undeniable need to run far, far away? To hide my feelings, even from myself? It's strange. It's not going to last or anything, but at least I know the kind of guy I'm looking for, right?

As for everything else, life is pretty crappy (with this whole graduation thing and all), but I'm taking it in stride. What else can you do, right?

I've also been thinking a lot about what I'm supposed to be doing in life, and after talking to Adam a couple of weekends ago, I'm thinking of taking a sharp turn down a different life path... not really sure if it's worth all of the trouble, or worth writing about yet.

AND, do not get your palm read if you are an overanalyzer like me. So, for my quiz, what's my element? It came up on my palm apparently (yes, Tao Te Ching), but take a guess!

Sorry, I'm stressed for time and my post sucks. Better luck next time. Maybe when finals end.

There just becomes a point...

2009-03-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

when you get tired of being angry. And tired of being stressed.

There just becomes a point when you realize that you are small, that you no longer have control of the past (because it has passed), that you must move on.

There just becomes a point when all you can do is your best, for yourself and for those around you. When you look at the facts, and realize that you can't change them, when you can't muscle them to be convenient, when you are left with nothing but accepting it and working from that point on.

Some people will never apologize for their mistakes. Some people will never realize they made mistakes. (But that doesn't make it any less real for the people affected by them.)

And when that is the case, there just becomes a point when you will take them in, whether they are your mistakes or someone else's, and you must change. You must become the verb. You must be the action, rather than the consequence. You must no longer worry of being the victim or the victor, but just live. And live well, starting from your heart (where it has been, all along). You must listen, because you have no choice but to listen, to the silent, still voice inside of your very being. You may call it what you want, but listen. Let it direct you.

Because there just becomes a point to it all.

New post... of an old post.

2009-03-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

So after having a very interesting weekend (with a good end, I love sitting in the grass and taking walks), I felt that I needed to find an old post I wrote last year, because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

Am I angry? I mean, I guess. I'm hurt and not happy about it, but anger isn't even the right word. I've grown to expect this person to ignore my feelings or even think about them in general, especially when it means this person getting to be the center of attention. Did I hope that this person would have a bit of respect to maybe NOT violate my privacy, or think about the fact that maybe I didn't say anything because I understood that it was not just my business and that, by doing so, it wouldn't affect just me? And that perhaps I would hope for that decency and respect because I'm a human being goddamnit and I deserve at least that? But, based on previous actions and behaviors and words, it really wasn't that surprising. Like, that's just the kind of person you are. And I don't respect that or the way in which it affected me, so I'm not going to let you be a part of my life anymore.

So anyway, I'm just at that point where it's like: Okay, you're selfish. You never understood or tried to get to know me, and you cared about yourself more than you care about anyone else, and acted accordingly. Whatever, there's nothing I can do to change that. And I don't have to, because you can't make me feel like shit anymore. So I don't care. I don't care about what you do, because if that was your last way to hurt me, fine. Good. Because that's the last. You've got nothing on me anymore, no ways to piss me off or hurt me, and that just makes me even happier. If it was possible to care less about you, I can. You've hammered that last nail in the coffin. You weren't worth all of it, and you never change, and I'm happier. So thank you.

(Side note: If it seems like I don't care about what happened, I do. Especially since, granted, there's a little bit of selfishness in not telling people as well. I mean, it was embarrassing. And more embarrassing when this person whom you're way too good for is hurting you and you're letting them continue doing it. Clearly I've not come as far from that horribly abusive high school relationship as I would like to believe. Because I seek out people who are condescending and make me feel like shit, people who need to make other people feel like shit to make themselves feel better, etc. And then I let them make me question my own self-worth. Like, wait, maybe you're just an asshole. And I'm awesome. Yep, my bad, now get the fuck out of my life.)

I'm not going to go over how I feel about another aspect of this situation, we'll get to that later, and I think I've learned my lesson on venting about something I'm angry about on a blog before I'm ready to talk to the person, because inevitably people will pass it along to that person and say, "oh, look, she's talking shit" and gossip and cause drama when really I just need to get out my emotions so that I can communicate out of a thought-out, logical place. I'm just trying to have effective communication.

Except with the person mentioned above. Ha. Communicate with that person, ever? I'm happy in the fact that I will never have to look upon this person or come in contact with them ever again. Go make someone else feel like shit so you can feel better about yourself. (Well, rather, maybe if you are doing that, the ideal situation is that you realize there is something wrong with you, and not the other person, and deal with that instead. But, something tells me this person is incapable.)

Next post will be my calmer, reflective state, which is the same from a completely different situation almost two years ago (a year and a half?) but it still applies. So yeah.

Ugh.

2009-03-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

I remember how much happier I am without certain people in my life when the prospect for me to see them or even hear about them arises. It makes me extremely angry. I'm not sure if it's because other people don't understand how much of selfish assholes they are, or because I did know and I still allowed myself to get tangled up in their bullshit and lies and narcissism, and to be made to feel like shit 85% of the time. I put way too much time, money, and emotional energy into certain people to never get the same in return, and to even be made to feel like I didn't deserve the same.

So, obviously I'm resentful over these situations. But am I more mad at these certain people, or at myself? And why is it that I reflect so much on these circumstances, when I'm completely aware that had these other people done the same, I would probably not be in this position. In fact, then I get more mad because I know that these people never really/still don't care, and blame me, etc. etc. and why am I hoping they someday understand themselves and their mistakes, to move on to become better people? They don't deserve my thoughts, not even my angry ones. Especially not my nice ones. So why do I bother?

Maybe I'm just hoping someday I'll get an apology. And that maybe as I begin to collect those apologies, I will start to trust people again.

It's been a while...

2009-03-08T23:17:00.001-04:00

Well hellooooo again. It's been a while.

First of all, I would like to point out that my sister is being a "that girl" because she is not only answering all of the questions (correctly), but also adding in more information than was asked. I never asked for ages, sis!

Anyway, what has been going on in my life? I went to Power Shift, which was awesome. Not the conference, but the people. :) Ummm I had a phone interview, which I don't think went so hot. I have a lot of work due in the next two weeks. I have a second interview on Friday, for which I have to do homework (I'm getting to that, over a week late. How like me). Habitat build yesterday, which was great (pictures on facebook).

Oh, and speaking of facebook, ya know how they take information from your profile and try to place ads specifically for you? Check this one out:

Kind of hilarious.

Wow, it has been a long time, but I don't really feel like I have all that much to say. I'm happy. That's good, right? Oh, and my body works! Yay! Even though it's currently in pain.

So here are the quiz questions:

1) When was homosexuality taken out of the APA's diagnostic manual of mental disorders?

2) What's my vegan cheat, tried and true? (**Clarification: there's plenty of non-vegan things I've eaten since becoming vegan--I wouldn't survive at my grandmother's without them-- but there is one thing that I can't say no to. I.e. I've had pizza since becoming vegan, but I don't have it whenever it's around. This is something I will not turn down when offered.**)

Procrastination!

2009-02-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

This time it's for Peyton, not for me. So what is new with my life?

I had an interview with Environment America today, and was offered a second interview before I left. That's pretty cool. It's a two year fellowship where I could possibly be working on bills and legislation for one particular issue, which is right up my alley... I hope this means I could end up in DC after all...

My TFA interview is on Tuesday morning. That one I'm a bit more nervous and still a bit conflicted about, but we'll see.

I was also offered a paid position in the company for which I was volunteer blogging, sweet as. It was a bit unexpected, but I guess they like me enough to pay me now, so that's good. Hopefully I can keep up with all of this stuff! That's what makes me most nervous.

I got a message the other night from an old friend with the greeting, "Hippie! (an old nickname from high school)" And oh man, it made my night. He's just hilarious. And he posited that we should go to graduate school together. I messed up the college plans because I went to an all women's college. Oops. But he's going on tour this summer with his band, and I'm so so so happy for him! Way to live the dream, dude. An inspiration. <3 to you.

Umm I guess that's about it... I'm going to DC tomorrow with a carload of people for the Power Shift conference. Hopefully that will be fun, and I'll get to visit some old stomping grounds, and old friends. I'm thinking I'll drop off a resume at the NRDC... couldn't hurt, right? :)

My more personal stuff is too personal to post. It's funny how you forget things until the topic of conversation comes up again. There's been some talk/discussion/debate on campus about abuse and what constitutes an abuser... and woah, memories. It's weird to remember, though, especially this particular memory, because it's just that absurd. Like, I couldn't make up something as absurd as this. We'll save that for another time, when I feel like getting into it. But what does constitute abuse? If he hits you once, should you end it? What about drawing the line with emotional abuse? And what do you do about it? I'll let you chew on that for a while, then I'll give my unique input, since I have a bit of experience in the area.

Oh, and some quiz questions before I go:

1) What is one thing that makes seahorses unique? (I say unique, which is very subjective, but something that we humans would find abnormal.)

2) How many siblings do I have? Name them. (If you're my sibling, you're getting off very easy here in the beginning.)

And the answer to the last questions were, as posted:

1) Gerald Ford. He was nominated by Nixon after VP Agnew resigned, and became President after Nixon resigned. Follow up question, if you're just that good: Who did Ford nominate to fill his VP vacancy when he became President? It's a big name, hint, hint.

2) Rae. My dad would play "doe ray me" on the piano, and instead of "Ray, a drop of golden sun," it became, "Rae, Johanna's middle name..." Tee hee. He also changed Puff the Magic Dragon to live in a land called Hanna Rae, instead of Hannalee (or however it's spelled).

That's all for now! See ya on the flip side!

Oops, quiz question:

2009-02-24T02:04:00.000-05:00

I forgot to add quiz questions.

One historical, one personal. Take a stab at them:

1.) Who was the only President never elected to any executive office, ever?

2.) What is my middle name?

Yes, we're starting easy on the personal questions. If you know me at all, you should know that one. I think the historical one is pretty easy, too, but I spent my childhood.... well, maybe we'll save that one for another quiz question.

"People are autonomous agents, damn them."

2009-02-24T01:43:00.000-05:00

I swear, my research methods professor is hilarious. This won out over my other favorite comment from class today: "We like pot, we like dogs." The two do seem to go hand in hand, don't they? That comment was in reference to two MA ballot initiatives, one being to decriminalize marijuana, the other to make greyhound racing illegal. They both passed, hence the comment. (I know too many people who are probably going to move to MA now, and it won't be for the dog-friendly atmosphere.)

The other comment made it to the subject line because it was in discussion of how you can never have a regression coefficient of 1, because the world is not perfect. And it seemed more fitting to my life, since I'm growing more comfortable with the fact that I can't control people, or change them, or make them want to change. Which has been a problem in my life, since I get into sucky situations hoping that one of the above will occur. After which I end up getting hurt because none of them do. And some people can be a little too selfish and careless. I mean, sure, everyone needs to be selfish sometimes, but really, people. Consider what you're being selfish about and whether or not being so hurts people in the process. Because that's just not okay. And I'm guilty of this, too. So call me out on it if you see it happening at all, to anyone. Because that's just not okay.

Oh man, something else I've realized. That time in a relationship doesn't mean ANYTHING as far as its effect on your life. For instance, relationship for almost 4 abusive years v. a period of about 4-5 months. Guess which one I still can't talk about.

I have an interview in two days! Eep! I hate interviews! I get all flustered and excited and come off sounding like an idiot. But I don't want this job that badly. Well, depending on the position they offer, anyway. Two days, I find out about whether or not I got another interview. Crossing my fingers for that one.

Alright, I've got to pass out soon or I will go crazy. Powershift this weekend, Charlotte/Asheville/Raleigh/Chapel Hill/who knowwwws in one month! YES!

"If music be the food of love, play on."

2009-02-22T00:04:00.001-05:00

Anyone know what that is from?

I'm going to make my blog more fun by adding quizzes. So that's the first question. Ten points, because I'm sure you can guess who wrote it, but in what?

Tonight I went to the A Capella competition. It was great. Particularly the Barnard/Colombia group, Non Sequitur. One arrangement for "I'm Yours" was incredible. Really. It's amazing to me. And of course, the Blue Notes and Tupelos performed as well-- Tupelos, which used to be really good, needed some work, though they came in third. Maybe they were nervous? Blue Notes hosted, and had an amazing performance. I was impressed, and they did one of my favorites, "On the Radio."

Anyway, I guess I've been MIA. Life is crazy! I'm busy with class and heading to DC next weekend for the Powershift conference, and staying with Jennie Sisk, yay! I'm also pitching an idea to my professors in the political science department to do a paper for each of them on the same subject-- one being qualitative for my seminar, and one being quantitative for my research methods. Hm, we'll see. I need some ideas... anyone got something environment-related? Agriculture-related?

Speaking of professors, I'm missing a make-up class on Monday, so I met with my seminar professor and we discussed many, many things beyond our famine reading. Including, but not limited to: GMOs, the UN, anarchy, "international aid," corn subsidies, cotton subsidies, Ethiopia, Sudan, and "democracy." It was crazy, and I can't wait to go to that class again. I'll probably post a lot about it on this blog, so be prepared. You might be hearing a lot about the Ethiopian Famine in 1984-5, since I've chosen my first research paper to be on that topic.

I find out this week if I got an interview. Hoorah. And I need to fill out my application for Peace Corps, since I found out that the application process takes a YEAR. As in, I wouldn't be leaving, if accepted, until this time next year. Ugh. I guess that means I'd have time to travel, right?

I'm being incredibly cultured this semester, and taking full advantage of all of Wellesley's resources. Particularly theatre, the gym, and the pub. Somehow those three things all fit together for me.

Awkward moment with Jeff the other day. I'm not really sure what's going on there.

Also, a person from my past has been entering my thoughts lately. It's weird because I really would like to contact him but I don't think that is a good idea. Even though I want to apologize and explain the impact he's had on my life. It's just weird. Very weird. I blame my medication.

Okay, I wish I had some multimedia going on here to make this more interesting. Sorry. Maybe I'll scan a picture in here from the few that someone I used to know gave me from our DC trip. I do love DC. Sighhhh.

In other news...

2009-02-15T03:14:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to post some links I found on solar panels. Because it excites me. They've been borrowing ideas from plants to enable panels to store and utilize lower levels of sunlight. Also, scientists have created solar panels on a nano-scale so that it can be applied to fabric, etc.

Also, when I was talking to my dad about biomimicry, expressing my opinion that perhaps we as humans should get off of our high horse since basically everything that we've invented has been done before, and done better. I mean, maybe the one thing nature hasn't done is the atomic bomb... but I'm not so sure that's something we should brag about.

Anyway, when I explained this, my dad agreed and said, "you're right, it has been done before, we haven't really come up with anything new." And I replied that maybe we should take a lesson from the billions of years the earth has been here and organisms that have survived in collaboration with other organisms, rather than to their detriment. My dad said, "Yes, you're right. But maybe they had a better engineer."

Now, obviously he was referring to God. So I'm not sure which says more about my spirituality: That it had never occurred to me to think of it like that, or that when he said it, I found the statement to be utterly profound.

"I think there's a little efficacy, but I don't think I could sit in Barack Obama's lap."

2009-02-15T02:52:00.000-05:00

That's a quote from the professor of my PoliSci research methods class, in regards to graph analysis of a survey from ANES. I thought it was hilarious, so I'm sharing here.

What else is going on? Hmm. My car got towed last night, emptying my available cash balance from my bank account. Yes, Jeff, I should have just come to see you this weekend. In my journal before I left for the party, I wrote that I was going to push my luck and go out on Friday the 13th. Clearly I should not tempt fate.

Also, after spending about four straight hours on the phone tonight, I have realized that if you can't spend that long on the phone (with someone you talk to a lot, anyway), you must be uninteresting. Because our conversation was long and disconnected (horror movies to relationship stuff to personal insight to god knows what else) but it was fun and interesting.

Valentine's Day = one of the stupidest holidays ever. Though I might just think that because everyone I've been with one Valentine's day have been the biggest, most unromantic people ever.

Except for Jake, my "best Valentine's day ever." Goodness. I was way too immature/damaged from my previous relationship to understand what all that meant. Amazing.

Which brings up a point of a convo I had with Tonya about grand gestures. I don't need them, and oddly enough the people I don't need them from are the people most willing to do it. The whole grand gesture idea is only romantic insofar that it's not about having to prove your feelings for someone, it's just because you truly want to do something more than your normal, everyday doings, and you want to do it for the other person. That's what makes them so lovely, when they happen, because they are completely selfless. Because the person knows you don't need grand gestures but chooses to do them anyway.

That said, doing it on V-day just is ridiculous. It's a made up holiday with so much material crap attached to it, it makes me want to puke. Of course, I don't like celebrating holidays at all, because I feel like you shouldn't have to wait for a holiday to celebrate a person or a relationship or whatever.

That said, Thanksgiving is an exception. It's my favorite holiday. And to get family together and off of work, you do need the excuse of it being a holiday.

Here's an idea for another holiday (to perhaps replace Valentine's Day)-- ELECTION DAY. Gah.

Going rock climbing tomorrow, yay. Haven't gone up here since sophomore year, so I'm in definite need.

Haha, more procrastination

2009-02-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I am trying to get things done for this application but it's happening very slowly because I get distracted SO EASILY. But, one thing is cool and the other is both awkward and humorous. We'll start with the awkward first:

So I was looking for an email with the contact info of an old prof (I've mentioned him here before, and he was the one who made me apply to IHP), and came across a few emails we'd exchanged. One he asked for info about my trip abroad, so I gave him the link to my website. However, he apparently kept reading blog posts post-trip and mid-summer, and had this to say in one email:

"I have to sheepishly admit that I read a number of your blog entries -
first with traveler's envy and intellectual fascination, and then with
mortification. I'm sincerely sorry to hear about your
more-than-unfortunate history with the bloke that you discussed early on.
Though I strongly recommend sticking to your own sex, do know that there
are some good guys out there. Search in the benevolent margins & shadows
of society; good guys generally don't like to announce themselves."

So awkward. And so funny. I just had to share. I don't think I responded to that email either, because what was I going to say? "Thanks for the relationship advice, professor?" It just seemed weird. But nice that he cared to say "Get away." And also suggested that I become a lesbian. Haha, it was like something my dad would say, except he wouldn't really mean it.

Anyway, on to the cool stuff. Now, I do not plan on ever getting married. Gov't keeping tabs, religion and gov't mixing, religion/gov't keeping some people from enjoying benefits of marriage, and I would rather wake up every day knowing the person I was with chose to be with me that day rather than because it would be expensive to decide otherwise. To keep my explanation short. But should I get married, or maybe just get a ring from someone one day, this is the type of ring I want:

Isn't it amazing? This one in particular is rosewood with an ash inlay. Or if I wanted to get all fancy:

Gorgeous, right? The last one there has a mother of pearl inlay. You can find more wooden rings here, and you should read more about the company, too. It's quite interesting...

Oh crap! Gotta go!

Procrastination!

2009-02-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

I need to be writing essays for applications, reading for class, etc. But instead I'm choosing to write here.

I don't want to get into a huge post, though I've been thinking about a lot of things. I'll post a few quick thoughts, and we'll go from there.

1. I went to a Teach for America dinner tonight, and talked to a couple of alums who did the program and highly recommend it. Granted, one of them works for the recruitment office, so what do you expect? Still, she thought enough of the program to get a job getting other people to do it. And I did leave feeling a bit better about applying, but I'm wondering about my reasons. That is, why do I want to do Teach for America? Because it is a paying job, yes, definitely. Because I always end up working with kids, unfortunately (or not; though I dislike the category of "children" itself, I grow to like the individuals). But I also want to make a difference in the lives of others. And I was thinking, yeah, I should do this, or go for it at least.

But immediately after I left the dinner, I noticed a missed call from the 15-yr old for whom I babysit. (I should insert here that it's not about looking after said 15-yr old so much as it is driving him around.) Anyway, he called because he's rewriting his history paper and had a question about one of the marks I made on his paper. I was shocked that he actually took the time to read over it (I like to edit things, for fun, it's really quite sad), and take the time to call for a clarification when his grade in history is fine, though he could use some improvement in English (I said editing this paper was a practice for his English papers). So my first thought was that, hey, I could do this, I am having mini-English sessions with all the kids as it is, so why not get paid for it (though sadly, probably not as much per hour as I get babysitting)? Then I started thinking about whether or not I needed to be a teacher to do make a difference. I've had a talk with the mother about how much of an impact I've had on the kids' lives already, so do I really need to go into a field devoted to children?

Most importantly, there is a conflict here. Thinking about all of this made me wonder about the priorities I have when looking for a job path (I would say "career," but I'm not even sure I want to have one of those). The face-off is: Making a difference v. Doing something I'm passionate about. I would like to do both, of course, but which comes first? If I am making a difference, do I become more passionate about whatever that is? If I am passionate about something, will I not make a difference in whatever field that is? I'm passionate about politics, and I'm passionate about getting other people passionate about participating in politics. I'm passionate about the environment and passionate about getting other people passionate about the environment. I'm passionate about peace and acceptance (if not the welcoming) of other religions/lives/ways of knowing, and... I think you get the idea here.

2. I am wondering how much I am afraid to fail, and whether or not there are areas of my life in which I inhibit myself from success, consciously or unconsciously. The procrastination is a good example of this. Though I tell myself it's because I work well under pressure.

3. I read over my sister's blog and made a few discoveries. One being that my sister has a really good heart. To clarify, I knew this already but sometimes I am just astounded by how many facets her goodness has. Also, that there are a lot of similarities in our personal reflections/behaviors/obstacles, and I wonder if this is genetic or the environment in which we were raised. I enjoy reading her blog because I'm finding out a lot about her that I didn't know, or am able to understand things I do know, more deeply. Lastly, I am really confused as to why she has made the comment that I am the better writer because I read her blog and am then utterly embarrassed by the blabbering, fumbling mess that you all read here.

*If you are reading this by the way, please post something else. Mostly because your most recent post is not a reminder I want to have every time I check your blog. You should post more often anyway, but I don't think I've fully dealt with all of that yet and therefore can't be bombarded with those emotions every time I type in your url.

4. Friends are funny things. It's quite amazing how great some of you are, and I am so thankful for you all.

That's all for now. I have no pictures or links to share, maybe next time. Back to reading/ searching online for the HIMYM episode that I missed.

I am so busy.

2009-02-09T01:07:00.000-05:00

My life is so hard right now. WOE IS ME.

Just kidding, these approaching deadlines are stressing me a bit (I'm not understating, I wish they would stress me more so I would do something about it). I should really stop procrastinating. The fact that the deadline of one thing has now been extended, AGAIN, is only making it worse. I should get it done and in so they can just hire me already.

Other than that, I'm busy and I like it. Sort of.

Also, it hit about 50 today, melting most of the snow/ice and forming large puddles. Of course, now the puddles and standing water will freeze when it hits 18 tonight, so was it worth it? I dare say yes, though I may change my mind tomorrow when I bust my ass on said frozen puddles.

Childhood

2009-02-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

Jessica at my crib when I was a baby

I really need some motivation in life. I'm trying to write a personal essay for this fellowship, and I can't seem to figure out the answer to their questions. What are my interests, fellowship objectives, and life goals? What qualifications do I have?

Aw hell. I don't know! And this is the easy essay.

But I do have a paper due tomorrow in my women's studies class relating childhood perspective theory to a memory. So I've been thinking a lot about memories, and some are just hilarious. For instance, when we used to go to presidents' homes/birthplaces/grave sites on vacation... which is just weird in itself. But I was reminded the last time I was home that there was one time when we went to the grave of Chester Arthur, and my sister and I (and Katie, I think) decided to make the experience more interesting, so we started calling him "Papa Arthur" and screaming and wailing over his death. That's right, there was a lot of old time English going on, with the hand across the forehead and the fake fainting.

Fainting Couch, as they were referred to in the 19th century, when women started to wear corsets and got all out of breath.

We were history majors, even then. What can I say? I will post more memories later. Right now I'm actually going to try and write something. All while babysitting, ha! These kids won't leave me alone!

Eep, let the new lifestyle begin

2009-02-06T15:34:00.000-05:00

I am speaking of one change in particular. Which I'm probably irrationally freaked about, but it's been almost 8 years and... eep! Scared!

Also, if I seem moody from here on out, tell me so I can fix it.

A play and a concert tonight! And then hopefully writing something for this application due on Monday. Time is running out!!

I like long walks and sci-fi movies

2009-02-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

And the song that subject line came from.

Something I've recently admitted to myself: I like sci-fi. I think I didn't want to admit it before because the category itself seems utterly nerdy and not my genre at all. Let's be honest, we all think sci-fi and go straight to Star Trek. Of which I am not a fan (confusing with the picture, isn't it?). Then I started thinking about some of my favorite movies and movie types, and realized that it totally falls under the sci-fi category. The Matrix, Minority Report, V for Vendetta. Yeah, I like it. And obviously my obsession with Joss Whedon.

So fine. Fine! I admit it. I like sci-fi. I mean, good sci-fi (subjective, I know). And currently, I'm obsessed with "Tin Man," which is awesome.

Alright, off to class. I will update on classes a bit later, since this semester is going to be cah-razy. Add in looking for jobs and I will have no life.

It continues...

2009-02-03T01:35:00.000-05:00

The insomnia rages on.

"Why don't you do something productive, like that paper that's due or the application you've yet to begin?" You ask?

If productive things came from insomnia, I don't think there would be as many complaints. Who knows, just my opinion.

Yes, Paul Krugman, Yes!

2009-02-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

He's just so fun to read, and a much better writer about how I feel about the bailout situation than I am. Perhaps because he's an expert in these matters. But seriously? Why is this my problem? Let capitalism fall if it's going to fall. Jeeeez.

Wish I had seen this before I wrote my post for replyforall about the economy. I said kinda what he did, just less eloquently and thought-through.

Elevating Science, Elevating Democracy

2009-02-01T12:49:00.001-05:00

Wanted to post an essay written in The New York Times by Dennis Overbye about science. I really, really like it.

Elevating Science, Elevating Democracy

That's all for now. My professor just wrote me an email (I've been scamming for letters of rec) that said we haven't had a good long chat in a while, and then ended with, "Who are you, Jo?" Good question. If she'd asked me two weeks ago, the answer probably would have been different. Ever-changing, ever-contradicting. Like the Tao? Doubtful.

Also just wrote another old prof about life, which makes me not want to write more here. Sorry. You lose out.

Classes start tomorrow. And GO CARDINALS!

I bought OPOSBG!

2009-01-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

That stands for Over-Priced, Out-of-Season Green Beans. IHP would kill me right now. It's also ridiculous that I was picking these green beans all summer from Granny's garden and certainly did not pay $6 for them. But that's the precise reason I bought them. So suck it!

What else?

Got into a car accident. [expletive, expletive, expletive] It was my fault. But not really my fault because unplowed snow/ice + my brakes = sliding past a stop sign at 7am. Still, my insurance is going to skyrocket just in time for me to graduate and be unemployed!

Went to David's Bridal today and got measured for my dress. Woot. Not much has changed size-wise since freshman year of high school. Not much, except for my waist. Ha! Oh well. I'm a growing girl, right? A couple of inches seems normal for seven years. At least to me.

Last but not least, I have started my applications. Teach for America, Peace Corps, and a fellowship. Also Environment America and Fund for the Public Interest. I wrote the last one last because it's my last resort. Yeah. And I'm sure it's in the bag. But whatever. I've got interviews, so we'll see.

I think that's it for now. Class starts on Monday. Can't wait. [expletive expletive]

Back at Wellesley

2009-01-26T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm here. I guess I didn't have a choice but to come back (damn those commitments). And I don't really feel like publicly posting my feelings about the weekend. There are very few outside of my family who actually understand the gravity of it all (and only a few more who have tried). I'm not really sure I fully understand yet. Except that it's been a week and I'm still crying. I don't know. It still doesn't feel real. Maybe once I get it all out in my letter or journal, I can write a few words here.

Emma just called. Gonna talk to her for a bit.

Going home

2009-01-21T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I meant to post more yesterday, but everything changed and it was a bit of a roller coaster. No tears yet. But I'm going home instead of to NYC, and it will be nice to see the family. Sam and Paul are both flying in, so it will be good to see them again. And my mother will have all of her children in once place since the wedding back in May. Hopefully she will refrain from family photo opportunities.

So now I am struggling to pack. I feel like I'm a point person in all of this, which is weird, and will be weirder when I'm home. I have a feeling I won't want to come back. We'll see. We'll see. I've already paid for this semester, so I guess I'm locked in. Sadly, (lack of) money is one of the things that keeps me in line-- e.g. can't afford a speeding ticket, can't afford not to go back to school, etc.

But the inauguration was great. You can see a bit more of my feelings at replyforall's blog site. If there's one thing I haven't had time to think about lately, it's how I feel about things. But surely, it was a great experience. I'm looking forward to the Power Shift conference at the end of February.

Also, I was looking at Teach for America stuff... and thinking, yeah, maybe if I can agree to a two-year commitment (have I EVER done that?). Then I was thinking, if it's a two-year commitment, shouldn't I do something else I've been craving? Like, the Peace Corps? But then, am I just doing it to run away again? Hrm. I'm definitely good at running away from things that scare me. And "real" life is one of them. You wouldn't think I'd have such a huge problem entering the workforce since I've been working since I was 15 (younger, if you include babysitting), and most of the time held more than one job at a time. I get the whole working until you can't remember when you slept last, being called into work at ungodly hours, giving up fun things because I know I need the money, and trying to balance personal relationships and things that are important to me with my work. But damn. I think that by entering the "real world" I will no longer feel like I'm working towards anything. At least at Wellesley (I can't even say I made a commitment to them, I planned on transferring sophomore year and then left for a year after that) I am working towards my degree, as crappy a degree as it is.

I feel completely unprepared. With what skills will I leave Wellesley? Uh, yeah. I can read. And write you a paper about it. Cool. And I'm in the hole upwards of $60,000 so I can say that? Crap. Totally unprepared.

And totally unprepared for going home this weekend. I can't even pack. It's scary. I don't want to have to deal with it. Any of it. But I guess I'm forced to do this, and I need to be forced. Something I can't run away from, as much as I'd like to be in denial (and still am for the time being).

Also, the family I work for is totally awesome. So understanding and sweet. Seriously, I lucked out with this one. The youngest made me a card today after school.

Obama-nation day!

2009-01-20T14:43:00.000-05:00

Barackin' the White House since 12:01 pm. Hell yes. They have a blog, too, which is awesome.

I loved the speech. I loved that it was honest and humble and gracious. My favorite:

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."

He also mentioned wind and solar power, hooray! It feels like New Year's all over again. God, I really want to be a speech writer. Anywho, off to work. More thoughts tonight.

Oh crap... another semester like the last?

2009-01-19T14:59:00.000-05:00

Well they posted books needed for my classes next semester. My last semester (holy crap!). But looking at this list for my political science class-- that I was so excited about-- I may need to rethink this. The class itself is about people, agriculture, and the environment, which sounds awesome since I want to do work in environmental policy. However, one of the books for the class is called "Starved for Science: How Biotechnology is Being Kept Out of Africa." This is a book written by my professor. Sounds great, right? No. It doesn't. I'm supposed to write papers about biotechnology when I disagree with his premise in the first place-- that is, that biotechnology (specifically GE/ GM seeds) should be anywhere? Another book is called "Innovations in Natural Resource Management," which argues that property rights are necessary to give motivation for sustainable use of renewable resources. So much for the commons.

Oh crap. It should be interesting, right? I spent last semester arguing with my professors because we disagreed with basic premises of the class. I'm kind of looking forward to it, actually. I like debating issues. Hopefully it will work out better for me as a student than last semester...

I'm also taking a political science research class and a women studies class. Someone made the comment that I should not graduate from Wellesley without taking women's studies-- it's like women's studies capital of the world. So, why not? I needed to take a third class, anyway. And again, I like debating things... who better to argue with than a feminist? Looking forward to it...

Craziness!

2009-01-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

So I had gotten back this morning (or technically yesterday morning, now that it's past midnight) at around 2am, and I didn't want to park in the garage and have to walk back. So I parked outside my building.

Big mistake. In fact, mistake may deserve a capital M. My car is now buried under about a foot and a half of snow. Shovel-less as I am, I'm not really sure how I'm going to get it up and moving tomorrow. Not to mention I am on empty. Everyone cross your fingers that I can get my car out, and that the gas line isn't frozen... Oh dear.

Also, Jeff came over and we got some Chinese food and watched The Mist. It had the most horrible dialogue probably ever (compounded by the even worse acting), but we watched it all the way through and it was crazy! The mob mentality that comes out about halfway into the movie made me almost have to stop watching. That stuff scares the living crap out of me, because I know it happens in real life. Gives me the creeps that people become overzealous like that and then do really dangerous, homicidal things.

Well, I have tomorrow off of work and then Tuesday is a big day-- my dad's birthday! Which is being overshadowed by some other crazy event... I forget what it is, but people are all up in arms about it.

Gah!

2009-01-18T13:30:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that all of my recent blog posts have been titled with some kind of noise, so I'm just going with the flow this time.

I am so pissed I don't have pictures from this weekend. It was fabulous. Saw some great people, did some great things, and can't wait to do it all again soon. <3

Next weekend I'll either be in NYC or at home, depending on Granny. My dad called this morning to say that she was out of it since talking to me yesterday afternoon on the phone, and is probably not going to pull through this time. I feel weird writing about it because she's so unpredictable, and I honestly said this six months ago and she's still here. Oh boy. One day at a time.

I've applied for a couple of positions, just submitting resumes. I don't want to be working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, so I'm trying to start early. I even made an excel sheet with job info and their deadlines. I haven't looked at it since, but at least I made it. And I'll probably still end up working "campaign hours" at whatever crappy, have-to-apply-for-food-stamps job I get, but then I will just have to stick it out. Not much else to do. But until I have that crappy job, I will apply for everything. The real world is only six months away!

Ay

2009-01-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

I am watching 24. I didn't think I would be interested anymore (ya know, like that period of my life would be over) but the producers know what they're doing. And they brought back one aspect of the show that will keep me watching until I turn grey. Tony Almeida. That's right.

I'm back at Wellesley. I did the 5k. Here's pictures of my sister, Krista. I'm in the background/ sideground of these. We are not really running. There were almost 5,000 people and running wasn't really an option. We got stuck behind people and the course didn't really accomodate passing them. But then we saw cameras and were like, "Crap! We have to at least look like we're running!" So we would start jogging, basically in place, until we passed them. Then 50 yards ahead we would spot another photographer and have to affect running again. Ha. It was hilar. (That's another word I type but don't say. Add it to the list.)

As for Disney, Viva Gaia! That was their theme and the conservation issue is pretty big. I also learned that Disney bought the land with the strict purpose of not developing 8,000 acres of it. Ever. No matter what. Which is pretty cool. I went on the safari ride... not as cool as the real thing, but there were a lot of rhinos which I didn't see in Ngorongoro. Except the one that took forever to get a thumbnail picture of with my camera and monocular. And I'm pretty sure Lucy was out there. She was the rhino we got to meet on our backstage tour a couple of years ago when we learned about their efforts and conservation and animal stuff at Disney. Lucy was a white rhino. She was a baby then, and would lean up against the side of the barrier so that we could pet her. Adorable.

Also kind of got along with my mom. My sisters were in a funk and it was upsetting my mom. (Anyone who knows me knows how ridiculously defensive my family is, and how they can just... ugh, I don't even know what to call it. Be mean, I guess. Being away from it most of the time makes it harder to be around it when I am, and I am really trying to lose that trait myself.)

Babysitting went alright. I'm going to NYC in a week and a half, and I'm sooo excited about it. Rice to Riches, here I come! And hopefully to upstate NY and Amherst, too.

OHHH. And I got my grades from last semester. Thank GOD. That's all I have to say. Big sigh of relief. Maybe I can still graduate with honors? ...Graduate. Eek. That's a scary thought. I'll update on life plans once I have some. Ha.

Uh-whaaa?

2009-01-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

I don't really know how to type out the sound I made. But this was a story on the news tonight: A mother and father are arrested for shooting their children for fun.

Uhhh--whaaa? First of all, who does that?? Like, if your mad at your kids or feel like your life would be better, fine. (NOT fine, but you know what I'm saying. Hopefully.) But seriously, FOR FUN?!? Who DOES that? "Well, wifey, there's nothing on tv tonight. Wanna play with the shotguns? We'll get the kids. It'll be family bonding. And target practice. All at once." ?!?

Also, I'm assuming this happened in the Charlotte area, which should really tell you the kind of city I'm dealing with here. Now I can honestly say, "yeah, it's so boring here, people shoot their kids for fun."

Jesus.

Well, I'm video-chatting with Jeff and trying to pack to leave in 5 hours. Ugh. I hate packing. But I'll miss you Charlotte-area kids. And if anyone just so happens to come across a Reef flip flop in the parking lot of BiLo, send it my way. That was a crazy night, but that flip flop was my favorite. Not just that pair, but that particular flip flop of the pair. RIP flip flop. I will miss you.

But really, kids, I will miss you. Only six more months. Sigh. June cannot come soon enough.

Hrm

2009-01-07T10:51:00.000-05:00

Last day in Charlotte and I am definitely not motivated to do laundry, pack, or anything else that preparing to leave for another six months would require. Eh.

Also, I watched P.S. I Love You a couple of nights ago and it got me thinking about what I really want... suspenders. I really want some suspenders. I don't know what I would wear with them, or on what occasion, but they're just so fun!

Also, Tonya's dad now thinks I'm 1) delusional, and 2) wayyy too into Tonya's sex life. Kind of hilarious. I'm not going to go into details except to say it involved a hoop skirt. Trust me, you had to be there.

I went to my granny's a couple days ago to spend some time with her (probably the last time, but I don't want to think about that) and two preachers stopped by to see her. They prayed with her and for her, and for me, oddly. One of them was talking with me about what I wanted to do after graduation and he said, "just keeping praying and the Lord will lead you in the right direction." I wanted to say, "yeah, I'm praying to every god out there-- hell, I'll pray to this two-liter Dr. Pepper bottle if it'll get me a job." But I kept my mouth shut; perhaps a Southern Baptist preacher wouldn't find it all that funny.

Leaving tomorrow at dark thirty. Ugh. I told my family I was going to sleep in the car tonight to make sure I'm ready to leave at 5am, but something tells me I'll be up that long trying to get my stuff together. I should know never to pack a full suitcase when I come home for the holidays.

Ugh. I need to get a job lined up. Everyone cross your fingers that I don't have to move back home after graduation. My soul will suffocate.

Eek

2009-01-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

Things I have learned about myself:

I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate. I have no plans. Not even a little bit.

I don't like things touching my eyeballs. Contacts are hard and I have great respect for people who can poke at their eyeballs with foreign objects.

I hate packing, and unpacking. Though I am comfortable living out of a suitcase.

I like buying books even though I don't foresee a time when I will read them all.

I like crosswords. A lot. I will waste a lot of time doing them, and it's very nice way to get my mind off of things.

I work very well with deadlines. In fact, if I don't have deadlines I will procrastinate for as long as possible and never get anything done. Self-imposed deadlines do not work, either. Replyforall must hate me right now.

That's all for now. I'm bringing Creating a World Without Poverty: social business and the future of capitalism by Muhammad Yunus to granny's house, so hopefully I'll have some thoughts to report on that. And hopefully I will post a blog for replyforall before I leave for FL.

Ending thought: I asked my dad last night (quite pitifully) what the heck I was going to do with my life. His answer? "Live it." He's such a wise man.

I am no Shaun White

2009-01-04T11:13:00.000-05:00

In case anyone thought for a second that I would understand the concept of snowboarding, I would just like to inform you that I do not.

I guess that's not exactly true, but I definitely felt it better to purposely fall down than risk falling off the mountain. I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad, but I was going wayyyy to fast for my liking, so I took matters into my own hands. And now my shoulder is hella sore. And I fell on the same place that I did in Mexico (when I blacked out on the sidewalk), which was painful to say the least. But it was totally worth it. The next time I have enough extra cash, I'm going again. Anyone in the NY/MA area wanna come with? I promise this time I will get more than three hours of sleep the night before.

Off subject: snowboarding may be a metaphor for my life. I mean, I could make a metaphor for my life out of just about anything, but I'd say this is pretty good.

Also, does anyone else have words that they type or write, but that they would never say in real life? "Hella" is one of those words for me.

Leaving for Orlando in four days. Which means I have four days to recover from snowboarding, and prepare for the 5K. God. Sometimes I feel like a masochist. And guess who left their running shoes at school!

Welcome

2009-01-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks for tuning in. Awkward, ridiculous, and hilarious things to come!

Welcome to life off the treadmill. Now get yourself something to drink.

Life Off the Treadmill

Enemy #1, according to Beck (of the Glenn sort, not the musical genius sort)

A long time ago...

For your reading pleasure:

A sample of my CLT escapades

Johanna:

and i totally made out with a guy tuesday night but i didn't sleep with him

Kristen:

what guy??

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Kristen

Johanna

Mystery Solved, aka An Ode to Tanner Welsh

Johanna Rae and the Mystery of the Amazon Book

I had to clean my room

A letter for you senator

The No Bell Pizza Prize

Someone's in the kitchen...

I'll be lightning

A rant, one month later

When butterflies attack...

...and the living is easy

Off to Sunny San Fran

ऑफ़ तो सुन्नी सन फ्रां

No one would sleep that night

Home is where the heart is

On Waterboarding and Torture

Preparation...and pictures

Getting my head on straight

Nothing really

An interesting find...

My Speech!

Seriously wondering

Home again, home again

Thoughts on Granny

Bouldering, backpacking, and bro

Requests!

A Lesson From Smitu

Done done done

Aw

Damn it.

The Miserable Luck of a Fattie

My life is average...

I'm sick :(

Sad.

It's over...

Squawk!

Who is this person?!?

There just becomes a point...

New post... of an old post.

Ugh.

It's been a while...

Procrastination!

Oops, quiz question:

"People are autonomous agents, damn them."

"If music be the food of love, play on."

In other news...

"I think there's a little efficacy, but I don't think I could sit in Barack Obama's lap."

Haha, more procrastination

Procrastination!

I am so busy.

Childhood

Eep, let the new lifestyle begin

I like long walks and sci-fi movies

It continues...

Yes, Paul Krugman, Yes!

Elevating Science, Elevating Democracy

I bought OPOSBG!

Back at Wellesley

Going home